update.

I am having the week from hell. Midterms can suck my ass.

The dog went to school last night. She is a big girl now. Erin decided not to get her fixed... someday she might want to have pups.

I think we are getting a cashmere goat.

I still live on the porch.

The smoking has been cut down to approx. three cigarettes a day. Soon, I will be done.

Camping anyone?

watching somone die...

I was talking to my friend Jon yesterday. This conversation got me to thinking about love and our society, both seperately and as one. Both from the Christian prospective (in which I was raised) and the secular one (that I now look through), it seems safe to say that there is an understanding that regardless of where you may believe one goes when he dies, he is not taking the possessions of this world with him. This being said, why are so many people of this place in which we live so hell bent on attaining material wealth?

It is all about what you have and who you know. Our self-worth and happiness is based on the car we drive, the education we have earned, and where that education has taken us. It is all about iPods and big screen tvs, designer jeans, and not working at Starbucks for the rest of your life.

The fact of the matter, none of these things mean anything. Though they may satisfy for a short time, there will be no true happiness found in what one has. I think that deep down, we all know this, whether we would like to grasp that knowledge or not. Why then do we strive after things that are not really going to make us happy? In this way, we shape our lives only by what society wants from us, what it has told us is right.

I have decided that this is a crock of shit. Jon has lost love because of how fucked up our society is. It may be small minded of me, but I truely believe that 'all we need is love.' Nothing else really matters. Having real true love, whether it be a significant other or the love of real friends and family, is the only thing that is real. It will take you through all things. Love is true happiness.

It is here that I must reflect on Death Cab for Cutie and the statement, "Love is watching someone die." This is a line of beauty. At the surface it is one thing, but there is so much meaning. To truely love someone is to sit by them when they are leaving this world, to suffer along with them, knowing that your life will never be the same, because they have been a piece of what your life is. Love is living and interacting with them day to day. To walk with them through all of the joy and heartache (because truth be told we are all slowly dying as each minute passes). Love is saying yes to love. It is commiting your life to someone, it is deciding that you are going to be there for the long haul. To decide that you love this person so much that you want to watch them die when the time comes.

Is there anything more beautiful than this? I don't think there is. It is naked reality. There is nothing else in life worth looking for. With that said, "So who's gonna watch you die?"

I will.

question.

Why are puppy teeth sharper than adult dog teeth?

I have spent nearly an hour looking for the answer to this question. I would be forever indebted to you of you could give me the answer.

Did you know that only 12% of the University of Akron masters programs require a thesis? Yes, my theory is correct. It is in fact a remedial school.

it was like this...

mud and sweat.

Columbus happened last night. There is so much to say, I don't know where to begin...

Did you know that every Wednesday night is bike night at Quaker Steak & Lube? I wanted to go there for dinner but nope, too busy. So instead I met Lyndsey at Max & Erma's. It was lovely to see Mrs. Teter. It had been over 6 months. That seems so not possible to me. Sorry, about that, but thanks for taking the time out of your busy news reporting life.

Dude, Lyndsey took half of an opened Newcastle home in her purse. I guess that 3.75 is too much to pay to not get to finish the whole thing. She is a crazy little one.

Next we went to see Coldplay. It took 20 minutes to get across a bridge to the entrance of Germain Amp. It was crazy, then they made us park in the mud.

We had great seats. Coldplay was great. I like those little British accents. So the show was outstanding, really great. Played all the best songs, great lights, good crowd response, all super. Then, an amazing thing happened. During the encore, Chris Martin left the stage, ran into the crowd and stood there while singing. Mind you he was surrounded by security the entire time. Well, when he walked right in front of me (we are talking 2 feet. he had to pass our location to get out into the crowd.) I freaked out a little bit. This was suprising because I don't generally respond to such things in such a way. This is when I almost peed my pants. Then, he finished his song and ran back towards me. It was at this time that I reached out and touched his sweaty right sleeve (around the elbow/forearm region). I felt the sweat... he really was quite sweaty.

It was amazing... I really cannot even begin to explain it to you. Shortly there after, the show ended and we all began our trek back to our vehicles. The parking lot was a mud pit and it took forever to get out. Mind you I didn't get my jeep stuck in the mud, I was stuck in the traffic, in the parking lot. I think it might have taken a good hour or two. Laura actually fell asleep in the passenger seat next to me long before we got out of the lot. Then she slept all the way home.

It was a long drive and my knee was not in a good state, but it was all worth it. Even if I hadn't touched Chris Martin it would have been a great time. So, in response, the concert was just dandy.

Is Pink Moon the best Nick Drake album?

It has been raining for two days. Soon, the flash floods will start. I guess it is from hurricane what's her name. Problem, the dog is starting to smell like a mix of wet dogs and worms. You know how it smells like worms when it rains a lot... yeah, that smell. It is really unpleasant. Erin started feeding her cottage cheese (I guess that cottage cheese is good for dogs) and now her breath stinks (the dog, not Erin). Now it is a strange sort of torture when Lola gives me kisses. I am trying to get her to stop, but she just loves kissing me.

This evening I will be venturing to C-bus to listen to the sweet sounds of Coldplay. It is my first time, I am quite excited, however I have heard that they are not that great in concert. Even if the concert sucks, I will at least get the benefit of seeing the Teter butt.

I DVRed this new show that just started airing on FOX. It is called Prison Break. You should check it out, it seems like it will be worth the time. Overall, there is a good cast, lead actor... HOT... VERY HOT.

what credit card is that commercial for?

Does anyone still read this? Sometimes I wonder. Maybe you have all stopped because, well, I stopped writing for so long, or because I am always whining when I write. Maybe it is the combination of the two.

I am a victim of identity theft. Yes, they informed me yesterday evening. It really is a bizare feeling. I feel like a part of me has been violated since the Romanian tried to steal all of my money. Thanks, to those good old folks at Visa for being on top of things and telling the individual in Romania that he or she couldn't have it. How did these individuals get my credit card number, you may ask, I have no idea! They are tricky little fuckers... apparently, they have ways of stealing your identity that none of us were aware of.

Mae, what is the skinny on your playing at Donkey. I was thinking that I might try to make it down. I need all of the details though before I can make a decision.

Sunday mornings.

This is my favorite time of the week. I don't know what it is about Sunday that is different than Saturday. Maybe Saturday I feel like I need to be productive. Sunday is different. It is the only day of the week that I get to wake up and do whatever I want. This usually entails coffee, cigarettes and reading until I feel that I can read no more. It is beautiful. I hope that you enjoy this day as much as I do.

This morning I was thinking. It is astonishing to me how different people are from one another. You and I may have all of the same interests, yet we are intirely different. These are the things that set us apart from being all the same, clones of some sort. To think that we have all been created in this intricate detail is really an amazing thing.

I do my best to appreciate these differences in other people. I understand the difficulties in this. The differences are what makes it hard for us to all get along, to live in a peaceful state. What would life be like if we were all the same. There would be no diversity, no character. The differences in people are what makes peace so beautiful, because it is a sign that the individuals have overcome and embraced the differences of each other and found a common ground. They have learned to love and appreciate each other because of the differences.

It frustrates me when people do not even try to reach this place. How much would you like me if I did, said, and believed all of the things you are passionate about? Regardless of how you felt about it, I would hate myself. I am sorry that my being an individual may make life harder for you, but please try to get past that. Embrace me for who I am, and try to understand that my being different from you is really a great thing.

i can't seem to regulate.

Does every one else in the world struggle to find balance in their lifes the same way I always seem to? I often wonder if others find themselves in such crazy and stressed out states as I do. There is always something that needs to be done and never a sufficient amount of time to do it in. I try to regulate and balance but I never seem to succeed.

In my life it is typically all or none. In all things, I either do it well all the time, or don't do it at all. This is not healthy, I realize, but I am unsure how to fix it. Up to this point, everything I have tried seems to have failed miserably. There are few exceptions to this statement, but overall, I have not reached my potential in all areas of my life. This is frustrating and I am tried of seeing it all the time.

It appears that this is me. The problem, I don't want this to be me. I want to be a person of character and success. I don't care about certain successes, I just want to feel that I have done well at doing what I have set out to do. I must change, not for anyone else, but for myself.

Personal, wow, that might have been a bit much.

it seems crazy.

Hi. This evening I write to you from the comfort of my couch and the ease of my laptop. It has been quite some time since this little guy has seen the internet. Let me tell you, he is glad to be back in the game. We are going high tech kids... moving back into the 21st century. Or something like that.

It appears as though I will once again be calling myself an OU girl. I am moving into a new sort of education. We are going to try things out online this quarter. Hopefully, that will be a pleasant endeaver.

The paint is up, it is all left to the fine tuning. It is my hope that I will be living in a normal room with nice walls and a window by next Sunday. Cross your fingers kids. I will be moving up in the world. Eventually, my house will move out of the shit hole catagory. It is a lofty dream, I know, but I have confidence in its potential.

My room is ethereal. That is the color. Doesn't that sound nice? Well, let me tell you, it is nice. Very pleasing to the eyes, warm and soothing. Quite enjoyable.

Two dogs are currently living in my house. I don't know that I am mature enough to handle two dogs. The one (Lulu... Bird's dog... the house guest) seems to have this problem with peeing in excess. That involves peeing in large quantities at frequent intervels. Being that we are not accustomed to taking the dog out to pee every 10 to 15 minutes, she pees in the house. You know, the floor, the bed, the comforter, basically where ever she damn well pleases. It does not make me happy. It makes Erin even less happy. So we took the dog to the vet and well, it turns out that the poor little pup has a bladder infection. She has been a bit better since we started administering the antibiotics. Two dogs still make my head hurt though. It is rough.

Erin asked me today if she could get a bird. Soon we will have our own sort of zoo.

today is my childhood best friend's birthday!

I was in Athens this weekend. It is funny how going back there makes me think of so many things that once made me smile. Yes, I thought of you. I went to see Talya. It was great. I was pleased to learn that I can still drink most of them under the table (I thought that I would be trailing behind from the start), yes, even after all this time since the binge drinking, I can still beat the best of them. I did myself proud.

My other intention in going was to relax. I have had a tremendously difficult time doing that here in Akron, so I left. It worked! It was beautiful. I read, walked, ate great heartburn inducing Coffee Cup food, drank coffee, and just was. The point, I didn't do any work in or on my house for 3 days. It was desperately needed. Typical of me, I stopped, relaxed, tried to step away from the stress... what happens? I got sick. Yep, I left work early yesterday, and I layed on my couch all day today. It seems to be some sort of head cold/stomach ache/feverish sort of thing. Not fun, but I think that I will have it beat by the morning.

Will you come and visit me when it is all done? Soon I will move into my own bedroom on the second floor. I will have a bed! There will be a window too! Isn't that just so exciting!?

Lyndsey, do you still love Newcastle? Just in case you were concerned, I still love it. What is your favorite beer?

checkin' one off for July

Hello my long lost friends and bloggers. It is lovely to see you again. Here I sit on this lovely Tuesday afternoon... it is too hot outside to work, so I have been sent home. What did I do when I got home, you may wonder, I washed my jeep. Soon, I return to the wastelands to wax it. Until than, I will sip my Gatorade and share with you some of then events of my life.

Work: Yes, I have been doing a lot of this. I have been spending anywhere from 52.5 hours to 66 hours of my week there. It has been far from pleasant, but the bills are being paid, so I will do my best to refrain from complaining. I have primarily been spending my days in the lathe room, but I have had frequent visits to the mill room as well. I have had the pleasure of filing my first ever sexual harrassment charge, and have led my frist campiagn for equal rights towards both men and women in the workplace. It truly has been a great time.

Home: Work on the casa has been steady, unpleasant, smelly, ichy, hot, frustrating, and extremely satisfying. If all goes according to plan, we will in fact be moved into the upper regions of our house before school starts on August 29th.

The fouton and I are no longer friends. Let me tell you, sleeping on one of those fuckers every night for two months is not one's backs idea of a good time. This is most likely further complicated by the fact that I stand for 10 to 12 hours a day. Not good.

The first and second weeks of July brought a massive attack of bugs to the household of Colleen and Erin. This is turn caused Erin to loose her sanity and Colleen to have a stress endused break down. Don't fret, Colleen has handled the situation. The earwigs are gone, and both girls have returned to their normal state.

Last week we got a washer and dryer. It is so exciting! I have become quite the landscaper. Yes, being a home owner is really a good time. Mowing the lawn, pulling up garden beds, spraying for bugs, and fixing broken faucets is really not so much fun. Did I mention that I do all of this in addition to working 6 days a week?

Mental: Honestly, I might be loosing it up in this region. The sleep schedule suffers. The inward reflection times are not what they should be. My social life has gone out the crapper. Amazingly, my attitude remains pretty upbeat on most days. I suppose that I will just keep pushing through the stuff and eventually, the toils will ease up.

I try to find enjoyment in the little things. Erin left yesterday for Mexico. The dog is staying with Bird, so it is just me and Gomez for 3 weeks. I get to go visit Talya in 2 weeks. I got to see Pete Yorn in concert 2 weeks ago. That was dandy. Life is beautiful.

Now, there are Jeeps to be waxed.

big mess.

I fear that I have let things slip. My life has moved into a state of dysfunction that I fear I may not be able to recover from. Sadly, you have suffered from this. I am sorry. I realize that saying that most likely does absolutely nothing in moving towards fixing what I have done, but it is the about the only thing that I am capable of right now.

My house is a shit hole. Yes, I moved, and I am not exagerating, it really is a shit hole. We are squeezed into 3 little rooms, and let me tell you, there is too much stuff to fit into those rooms. I sleep on the porch, that is my room. I have no bed, it is a fouton. Yeah, you know that fouton, the one that Julie Lockwood discarded. I don't know that I can handle it all. I may have a nervous breakdown. I am looking for sympathy here, but I am sure that I am not deserving of it.

Things got so bad, both the Over the Rhine and The Killers concerts were skipped. The Zooma Tour was canceled, so there will be no Ben Harper, Trey, or Gomez on June 22nd. For that, I am sorry. Really, the only good news is that I got the new Coldplay cd a week before it will be released, and let me tell you, it is good. Real good. Oh, and we got our Coldplay tickets too. That is also some positive news.

The time has finally come. I am having surgery on my knee. Things have taken a turn for the worse, and it can no longer be avoided. Next week, I am going to visit Heather in Nashville, then I will be cut upon my return. It should be great fun.

I fear that you all hate me. I am afraid to call. Will you call me, so that I know if you still love me. Because, I don't know that I have the strength to call you on my own.

I am going to change the suspension on a volkswagon with my friend Jon (Jon is hot).

here i am.

Sorry, I got lost. Not really, I knew where I was all along. Things get crazy and I run away. I suppose that it is my way. Apparently, I am not good at dealing with problems.

You should see our computer desk. It is madness. I clean it off, and than it gets cluttered. The plethera of cd's is getting quite out of hand. I mean really, I had to move 2 stacks to get to the keyboard. If you think that I like music... you should see the one I live with. It is beyond comprehension. Rediculous.

I don't know exactly why I feel that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but I fear that it is coming, soon. I have been trying to keep it under control, but it seems to be getting away from me. I have started back at the factory, and this only makes it worse. I mangled my hand the first day back, and I have been trying to mend it since then. I am tired of the cuts, the blood, then constant standing, and having no one to talk to. My friends think that I am crazy. After I get out of work, they can't get me to shut up. I contend that I talk constantly because I have spent all day not talking at all. They don't seem to understand. No one wants to hear about work. Shouldn't friends care about friends? I understand that my work and the talk of it isn't exactly what one would call exciting, but it is a part of my life. I feel all bottled up inside when I can't talk about these things. It really rubs me the wrong way.

That is all.

again...

I suppose that it couldn't be avoided forever. I got another ticket. Yes, a speeding ticket. It had been since January or February of 2003 since my last one. It was long overdue. I was going 80 in a 55. The cop liked me though, so he wrote that I was going 70 in a 55, therefore preventing me from having to go to court. I think that if he had seen my previous speeding record he would not have been quite as gracious. Fortunately, the tickets rolled over when I turned 21. Now, all that I will have to do is keep the numbers down until I turn 25. Somehow, now, that seems incredibly unlikely, and I fear that I have relapsed back into my past speeding/ ticket problem.

It occured to me today that I have to move in 2 weeks. This is not good, and I might start freaking out. I wonder why there is such constant stress. It is not pleasant. Sigh. It is all too much for me.

TI-RED.

Say it just like that, TI-RED. That is what I am... tired. There is no other way to put it. It must be said just like that... excentuating the syllables. I don't know what I am tired of. Maybe it is just the routine. I need something new. Somehow, the routine becomes a sort of rut for me. Regardless of the excitement that it may hold, it becomes monotomous (I must be the worst speller on the planet!).

My last final is tomorrow at 2pm. I will be done for the summer. For that short time, the University of Akron will not be a part of my life. Such a beautiful thing it will be. Something to look forward to in the fall... DARS. That is right, U of A will start using DARS in the fall. My life will have a little piece of OU. Maybe it will make my experience at this school that I seem to hate a little bit better.

The new will start on Wednesday or Thursday. I will go back to the old men. It is not the best thing that I can envision, but it is comfortable. It is something that I know, somehow making me who I am. The old men love me, they take care of me. And in some strange way, working with them keeps me grounded. It keeps me remembering what is important. I suppose that is something that some people never have. So, I will take this good with the bad, and I will value my time there when it lasts. By the end of the summer, I will be TI-RED of it all, and I will be ready to go back to school. I wonder what I shall do when I join the real world, and I don't have these cycles of change to keep me trucking.

Mother's Day

My mother has left me on Mother's Day. I suppose that it is a good thing, she is doing what she wants to do on the day that is supposed to be for her enjoyment. I am hoping that she didn't leave simply because she doesn't like me and therefore, doesn't want to spend Mother's Day with me. She went on vacation, and left me here all alone to fend for myself on this day that so many families are together.

I have used this time for myself instead. I sit here listing to Guster and enjoying this beautiful day. Finally, it feels like spring. There are flowering trees and the sun is shining. Loving this weather, I think that I might like to move back to the country. The city noises leave me unsettled. Yesterday, I sat outside my parents house and realized how much I missed the peace. There is something about listing to the birds and hearing the wind blowing in the trees that is more calming than anything I know. It is like a little piece of what I get sitting next to a mountain. My soul has not felt so at peace in quite some time. There is a healing that takes place for me in the country. Maybe I am a farm girl after all. It just took some time away to realize what I had missed or not appreciated for all those years.

I need a mountain. It has been too long since I have seen one. The prospect of taking a road trip to the west stirs my insides. This is something that I must do. It somehow restores me to the child that my Father created me to be. It must be a rocky mountain. The mountains of Appelachia will not do anymore. They need to be the big ones.

Enjoy your day for the Mom's. I will squelch off of someone else's mom. Eat Outback, and play with puppies. All in all, it will be an okay day, considering that my mommy has left me all alone.

the baby.

I don't know that I have told you about the baby. She is great. I have progressed with her through the growing. She is just over a year and a half and oh so cute. Her name is Ava. She has many friends. We are all of the Starbucks baristas, former (such as me) and present that were there through her fetal stages, birth, and subsequent growth period. She loves me. I love her. To Ava, I am not 'Colleen,' I am 'Cayeen.' It is so cute. You should hear her say it.

She likes to swing. The entire time that she swings, she says, "weee!" No matter how long she is on that thing, the word is never absent. It is hilarious. I like to go to the park with her, and I like to push her on the swing. Before she associated my name with me (she knew my name, and she knew me, but she didn't identify the two as going together), every time that she saw me, she would smile real big and quizically say, "wee?" Can it get much cuter than that? She really is the best kid ever. Someday, I want to have bunches that are just like her.

A sad thing happened this evening, but something great came out of the sadness. A bunch of us went to dinner at Otani (Japanese hebachi type place), Ava and her mom came because Bird's (we call her Bird because she is one of the five Erins, so last names are used to distingwish) husband was at work. Jason (Bird's husband) manages a locally owned pizza joint. Well, this evening, he was delivering a pizza and his car was stolen (watch out Chris, I guess that this is a common problem). So, Bird had to go and get Jason. Erin and I got to watch the baby! It was the most fun ever! I just love that kid.

That is all, I just had to tell you about the baby. Oh, and in case you were dying to know, the other Erins are as follows: Molnar (my roommate), Bird, Alsip (the only boy of said name), Endres (my former roommate), and Crise (she is the newest addition, and taking on another Erin was a major problem at first, but she is cool, so we think we might keep her around for a while).

Ryan Adams is a gorgeous speciman of a human being. This is something that all of you should know. Making him even more irrisistable, he is quirky... possibly even strange... definately entertaining, in the personality sort of way. That voice. Oh, I could listen to it all day. Stage presence, quality. He is really one of the best performers and artists that I have ever seen or heard. This is a show that will be remembered for years to come. I saw him on Wednesday night. I tried for 2 days to not say anything about it because I said that I was't going to talk about concerts here anymore, but I couldn't contain myself. Sorry.

Arnie's reopened last night. If you are unfamilier with Arnie's, it is my favorite bar in Akron. We have had a strong bond since late 2002. In the end of March, Arnie's closed to relocate. Than for more than a month and a half they were closed to remodel their new location. It was a hard time for me. For about the last 3 weeks, Erin and I have been taking turns calling and asking them when they would reopen. The last week and a half, we have called every day. Yesterday, we called twice (I understand, we might be a bit excentric, but Arnie's is not a matter to be taken lightly). It finally happened, they opened. So we got the possy together and off we went.

The synopsis is this. Good, but not great, and it is certainly not what it used to be. There are a few theories that stand in my favor. (1) Last night was Sinco d'Mio (sorry, I am sure that I spelled that wrong), therefore the massive amount of scantily clad ladies could be attributed to that. (2) It is "the new bar in town" so lots of people (the annoying non-regulars) will want to see what it is all about. (3) Location... it is not downtown, and it is not in the valley. This is almost a gureentee that it will not be frequented by the weekend drinkers because they cannot walk from bar to bar. Their social needs will not be satisfied at Arnie's.

I will not give up my claim. This is my bar. The meat eaters cannot have it. This bar is reserved for the cool old people, and the non-conformists such as myself. If my theories prove to be wrong, I just don't know what I will do with myself. It is possible that my life will never be the same.

Hello friends. It has been quite some time since I have been here. I am sorry if you have missed me. I was sick... so so sick... I thought for a minute that I might not make it. Sickness is an aweful thing. I think that the awefulness of the whole thing might be made worse because I am such a whiny baby. Oh, the poor people who have to deal with me when I am ill. I am sorry, and thank you, for being my friend through these rough spots. In regard to my having been gone for a few days, I have just updated myself on all of the activities of your blogs. There is a plethera of comments that I have left on your blogs from days gone by. If you are interested, you will have to go back and look. I hope that you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.

Sweatshops and responsible shopping. I am amazed and incredibly impressed by anyone who successfully lives their physical life to emulate the standards that come out of their mouth. I think that sweatshop labor and child labor is a horrendous injustice. Sadly, my thinking that, has had no impact in my life. I am a US citizen who has become quite accustomed to my luxury and convienience. It is sad. I am quite unhappy with myself. Is this enough to cause me to change? I don't know. One day, I hope that I will become a bigger person than I am currently.

Some tips to those of you who are pursing this lifestyle of boycotting those injustices of our world and society.
Coffee: Seattle's Best, formerly independent, Coffee which is now owned by the Starbucks Corporation, is all about Fair Trade and Certified Organic coffees. They are in fact all quite good. You should look into them. I must say here, I am incredibly displeased with Starbucks. They are the largest coffee company in the world, and they have only one "officially" Fair Trade coffee. This is a shame. Being that they have so much money, I feel that they should go the extra mile and make all of their coffees Fair Trade. This may seem drastic, but AMT (an English indie joint which is actually quite well-established in Great Britian) has recently made all of their coffees Fair Trade. It seems to me that if a drastically smaller, thus less profitable, company is capable of making all of their coffee Fair Trade than a huge corporation such as Starbucks should make some changes and put into action the standards that they claim.
Clothing: Patagonia (the clothing company, not the region in Chile) is the mecca of social conciousness. They put great emphasis on environmental conservation, proper labor conditions and treatment of employees, equal benefits to all individuals, and the manufactoring of a superior product. Sadly, their products are very high priced, but it is most definately money well spent. American Apparel is a great company with great products. All of their clothing is Made in the USA, and sweatshop free. They support Farm Aid and several other socially and environmentally concious organizations. They are all about giving back to the land and standing up for what is right. Another focus, one I particularly enjoy, is their support of environmentally and socially active artists and musicians. They offer a plethera of musicans the manufacturing and printing of t-shirts with profit going to designated organizations. So, look for the AA t-shirts next time you are at a concert. They also have a great website.
Personal Care: Aveda produces and markets beauty/salon products. This company is really impressive. They use no animal testing, and their products are all-natural. They use absolutely no chemicals. Check them out, their stuff is for boys and girls.

I have been researching these issues as of late. The wheels up there are spinning. I have come up with no final decision, but I have reached a point that I am saddened and frustrated with myself. I complain about these problems, but I have done nothing to stop them. The first step is to change my actions and decisions, but I changed nothing about my actions and lifestyle. That said, Talya, are there plans to write letters or a letter to Starbucks? If there aren't plans than there needs to be. I have some words. I am done now. Sorry, if that was all incredibly boring for you, I thought it might be helpful and interesting to some of you.

on a lighter note...

The original plans have changed... I am not moving to the apartment that was previously mentioned here. It was decided that we could do better... the place was a little... shall we say... dingy. Instead of settling for this apartment that neither of us really liked, simply because they would allow us to have a dog, we are going with another option. We are moving to the country, and no, we are not planning on eating a lot of peaches. That is right kids... it can be said... we are moving to a farm. (I prefer to stear clear of the whole 'farm' word, but Erin uses it fondly.) Come the end of May, I will be a farm girl once again. We are moving just down the street from my parent's house, to a little farm that my dad bought 7 or so years ago. It will be all our own. With a little remodeling, I think that it will be just dandy. Erin will have her garden, and neither of us will have to pay rent. The dog will live and play happily, and it will be a beautiful thing.

Have I told you recently how much I like Mae Klingler? She is swell. The voice of reason in the midst of chaos. Mae-Mae, there is no one that will ever take your place, and you will always be the "original roommate."

To shed some more light on my life, I feel that it is appropriate to share with you the summer concert schedule, both past and present. It goes a little something like this:

1. Over the Rhine (The Kent Stage, Kent, OH)
2. The Black Keys (The Lime Spider, Akron, OH)
3. Gomez and Cake (Mem. Aud, Athens, OH)
*These have all already happened.
4. Ryan Adams. May 4. (HOB, Cleveland, OH)
5. Over the Rhine. May 27. (The Lime Spider, Akron, OH)
6. The Killers. May 28. (Scene Pavilion, Cleveland, OH)
7. Modest Mouse. June 8. (I don't know where, Cleveland, OH)
8. Gomez, Ben Harper and others. June 22 (Riverbend Music Center, Cincinnati, OH)
9. The Black Keys, Ben Harper, Donavon Frankenreiter and others. July 13. (Blossom Music Center, Cuyahoga Falls, OH)
10. Coldplay. August 31. (I don't know where, Cleveland, OH)

It is all so exciting. The only thing that could make me more happy now is if Pete Yorn decided to tour and came to Cleveland... or Josh Rouse, that would make me happy too. I am flowing over with joy.

it hurts me.

I have to vent. I am frustrated, and normally, I would not use blogger as an outlet to express this frustration, but I feel that at this time it is appropriate.

I am a human, that being said, it should be understandable and even expected that I will make mistakes. I am flawed, and far from perfect. I will be the first one to admit this about myself. In some cases, it may be acceptable, even good, for a friend to point out these flaws. However, I think that there are certain times when love is what is needed, not a harsh word.

Sometimes, I am a shitty friend. I am sorry, if you have suffered from my selfishness or my issues. I make mistakes, and I don't always handle things in the best way, but that is in no way a reflection of how much I care about you. I want to be a better friend, these are not just empty words, but sometimes there is just a certain amount that I am capable of. I am sorry if that is not enough for you. Maybe I am not worth having as a friend.

There are certain things about myself that I am far from happy about. I understand that you may not be happy about them either. I often make decisions that have negative reprocussions, that hurt me and sometimes you. For that I am sorry, but I cannot change what is already done. It may be that I am not the person that I once was, or that the decisions that I am making today may indicate that to you. Despite what things may look like on the outside. I am still me. Inside, I am still the same person. This is something that will not change about me.

I smoke. I have struggled with this problem since my freshman year in high school. I know that this is a frustration to you, but I am not capable of making this better right now. I like music a lot, and what I find in my music is not something that I can find in christian music. If that bothers you, I am sorry. I have not gone to church regularly since I first left OU in the spring of 2003, but there is an extensive list of legitimate reasons for that, and I do not feel that it is your place to tell me, every time that you think it appropriate, that I need to go back to church. Though that may be true, you telling me all the time is not going to get me there any faster.

It occurs to me that you are most likely going to be very displeased with me for having written all of this on my blog. In response to that I must say, it was very offensive to me that you criticized me through comment, which others read, rather than keeping it between us, and than, to further bother me, you put a guilt trip in your own blog posting. This is not what I need from you. I understand that friends challenge eachother, iron sharpens iron and all that, but I need more than constant criticism from you. I need love too. It is possible that I am overly sensitive, but I care a tremendous amount about your friendship, and there is great weight in your words. Though the challenges are good, I need the encouragement as well.

For Fellers

A post just for you, my friend Lyndsey Fellers. I must laugh... Matt is moving to Fairlawn. These are my stomping grounds. This is the place that I have played since I was a wee one. My top Fairlawn outing is Starbucks. This is the location of the store that I worked at for the year that I was not at OU. I also enjoy the Swenson's. You have got to try the Swenson's.

Where exactly in Fairlawn is Matt moving to? What exactly is he moving here for? Job? Where at. I want all the details. Do you all need help moving? I could probably make myself available, pending on when it is all going down. Email me if you want and I will give you my digits and you can call me.

I hope that this was helpful.

some changes.

So, I added some things, and I changed some other things. The music is good. Look at it. My new title... try to figure out where that phrase comes from. If you get the answer right, there will be a prize. There is no deadline here, take your time, whoever gets it first wins. The new subheader... sadly, those two things are a large part of my life... also, the title of a movie... you should watch it.

We put down the security deposit for a new apartment this evening. I am not so sure about it. Oh well. It is only two blocks from my house now and they will let us have the dog. Whatever. I might stress too much.

Oh, and my jeep has gone and quit on me. I got to ride in a tow truck this morning! Now, I get to drive the multi-colored jeep. We are featuring 4 colors on the outside, and 2 different interior colors. I look like a clown.

The Rubber City

Interesting things about Akron, Ohio. There is not a whole lot I can say about this, but I will do my best to keep your attention.

The city of Akron is known for its rubber production. Specifically, a shit load of tires used to be made here. The Goodyear factory is still ticking, but Firestone Tire left years ago. A dude named Harvey Firestone is from Akron, he started Firestone tire. This company used to have a contract with Ford motor compay. Henry Ford and Harvey Firestone were good friends. All the big old houses, that the rich executives used to live in, are in West Akron. All the wealthy people lived in West Akron because the wind always blows in such a direction that none of the smog from the tire factories that are downtown never comes west. So the gettos of Akron are north and east. These are the places that one would want to avoid when visiting.

Downtown Akron is home of the National Inventors Hall of Fame, and the University of Akron, which is the second largest university in the state. Akron is also the base of NEOUCOM which is a nationally recognized medical school program. There are also a variety of bars, such as you may find in uptown Athens.

Music. There is a decent little music scene here. Several famous individuals have come out of the city. These would include, the gents of The Black Keys, Lovedrug, and Joseph Arthur.

We also have the privelege of saying that there are 4 Starbucks in a 4 mile strip of West Market Street. I am also proud to say that Summit county (of which Akron is the center) voted democratic. It was one of only a few counties in Ohio that went to John Kerry.

If all that wasn't enough for you... I was born at Akron General Mecical Center. You should need nothing more to convince you that Akron is the place to be.

*I feel that now I must make a disclaimer. I understand that most of you could care less about any of this, however, I was asked to express to you some interesting things about Akron, and well, I aim to please.

the hunt goes on.

Lyndsey, I feel your pain. I too have been looking for an apartment that will allow us to have little Lola (that is the puppy), and I have had no luck. She is just a wee little pup. I don't see what the problem is. My response to the constant turndowns has become almost unbearable. To say I am excessively discouraged is a drastic understatement. However, I am trying to keep my head up. We still have just over a month. Something is bound to come around... yes?

I did something new yesterday. Possibly something crazy. Just after 3pm, my roommate and I hopped in the car, drove to Starbucks, got some drinks, than drove 3 hours to the beautiful little town of Athens, Ohio. This part of the trip would have gone on without a hitch, except for the massive construction and stupid drivers. Needless to say, I was dealing with a mild case of road rage.

Upon arrival in Athens, we picked up the lovely Talya Strader, consumed some Pita Pit (how can it be that it had been almost a year since I had this amazing food), then chatted with Talya until she had to go to work at 8pm.

Next was Gomez and Cake. The bands... yes, I have a problem, I know. In my defense, I must say, it is concert season. Eventually, things will die down. Really. This one was a great show. I cannot even begin to express to you how amazing it was. Gomez... yeah, I tried to get them to come home with me, but they didn't seem all that interested. I can't figure it out. I thought for sure that when I told them that I named my hedgehog after them that it would clinch the deal. Maybe next time.

The show ended and then the rains came. It was a sort of torrential downpour. Not my idea of fun driving conditions. So, I got me some grogg, gave TD a final farewell, resumed my position in the drivers seat and we embarked back to the homeland. The drive was not what one would call a pleasant experience. All the cops tailed me (which prevented me from speeding, which if you know me at all, you know that this is a problem), it poured all the way home, I had to get off the highway 3 times before I found an open gas station, and Erin slept all the way home. Don't misunderstand me, it was okay that Erin slept. She had to be at work at 5:30am to open the Starbucks. I was just a little lonely. So I sang... a lot. Drank lots of coffee and smoked lots of cigarettes. We arrived at the casa at just after 3am. It was a crazy, crazy trip. There must be some sort of life lesson or bit of wisdom that I should learn from this trip, but all I can think about now...

This set of knees has got to go. I need to get me some new ones.

untitled.

I just realized that I talk about drunk people and concerts too much. From now on, I am going to try to keep that to a minimal. I appologize if this has been an annoyance.

Today, we will talk about houses, puppies, and reading. First, houses... I am attempting to buy a house. Actually, I am trying to convince my dad to buy me a house that I would eventually purchase from him, or sell at a later date for profit. This evening will be the final pitch... say a little prayer. The house of my desire is located here in West Akron, at the corner of Exchange and Westover. It is a beautiful little brick house with a nice 2 car garage. There are 4 bedrooms, which at this point I am not really sure what I will do with, but the best part, there is a breakfast knook! It is so adorable, really, you must see it.

The thing is this, the house is on the big side, at least for just little old me. There are 4 bedrooms, one of which I will occupy. I assume one will work nicely for a little office of sorts. Molnar is going to live in the third, but that leave one extra. Any takers? Now I must say, I am going to be very selective in my roommate selection, and if I even get the house is still very much up in the air, but it could be a possiblity. Talya, Mae-Mae, the two of you would be at the top of my roommate selection list. Would either of you possibly be interested in relocating to Akron?

Puppies: I had a puppy pee on my white tank top on Sunday. Did you know that puppy pee is clear?! No, it is not yellow like the typical pee type. Who knew!? I certainly didn't. Erin selected her puppy. She has been named Lola (as in the cross-dresser). As soon as Lola was picked out of the three little puppies, I was not allowed to hold her. Apparently, Molnar is concerned that Lola will decide that she likes me better, so to prevent this from happening, I will not be allowed to play with her until it is certain that Erin is her favorite. It seems a little strange to me, but whatever. She is so cute by the way. It almost makes me want one for my very own.

Reading: I have been doing too much of it lately. Seriously, it might be becoming a problem. I am not sure how to go about controling myself. Mae, I read that Chuck Klosterman book. It was swell, thanks for the recommendation.

Randoms: I decided yesterday that I am going to keep my hair cut short for the summer. I will continue to buzz cut it until about mid-august, than I will proceed in the growing out process. It just seems like a fun summer thing to do. Thoughts? Do you all still love me, because I have been wondering lately. Please, tell me that you love me.

crazy drunk ladies.

Why is the world such a sad and crazy place? Today, a woman was crossing the Tops parking lot, just having bought her groceries, and she was hit by a car. Apparently, the driver was driving a bit too fast. The woman died. Last Thursday, a friend of mine died in a car accident. She was broad-sided by a truck, broke her neck and was killed almost instantly. She used to be my favorite Starbucks customer. Why do these things happen? It makes me sad.

Last night the Black Keys were in Akron. We went, because well, I like the Black Keys. I am not sure if it is Erin or me that attracts these obnoxious people, but a drunk 40ish year old woman attached herself to us. The funny of the night was this... I went to the bathroom, walked in the door, and a woman standing before the mirror turned and proceeded to rub my shaved head vigorously. This in unacceptable. I felt as though I had been molested. While this was going on, Erin was left alone with the wasted lady. The conversation is said to have gone something like this... Wasted Lady: "What is your friend's name?" Molnar: "Colleen." WL: "Do you lover her?" M: "Well, she is my friend so, yes, I love her." WL: "Do you want to be involved." M: "No. She is my friend."

Yikes... I think that is real funny. The other funny was when the WL told me that Erin smelled. I looked at her in a confused sort of way and said, "Good or bad?" She proceeded to pinch her nose, shake her head, and say, "Bad." I must state in Erin's defense, she didn't smell bad, and never before have I heard this complaint about her. If anything, I am the smelly one.

Folks, the whole experience was really bizarre. Quite frankly, I could have done without it. The Black Keys were outstanding though. That portion was pure enjoyment. My ears were buzzing at extreme levels when we left though, and I seem to be talking at a much louder level than usual today. That is the price you pay for good music.

OTR

The information you will recieve in this post is directed mostly towards a Miss Mae Klingler, however, it may be interesting to the rest of you as well. Hence why I am writing, rather than just calling Mae and telling her.

Last night I had the privledge of attending the best Over the Rhine show ever preformed. Molnar says that it was just for me, because who knows, maybe it wasn't as enjoyable for some of the rest of the audience. I however, loved it. They sang all of the best songs... including, Suitcase (eat your heart out Klingler), Latter Days (my first favorite OTR song), Ohio, Spark (my favorite song on the new album). Dude they even busted out one from Ametuer Shortwave Radio. All of the best songs from Drunkard's Prayer were also featured. It was swell. You should have been there.

bustin' out the road hat...

Yesterday, I put the top down. It is the simple things in life, such as these, that make my heart happy. Seriously, you could have given me any sort of devistating news yesterday and I don't think it would have phased me. It brought back memories from the days of old. I am not sure why, but all I could think about was going to Larry's Dawg House and getting peanut butter milk shakes with Talya, Mae, and Lyndsey. That time that Lyndsey wouldn't use the door to get into the back seat... she just kept climbing in at the tire. Sigh. I miss those days. It would be a beautiful thing if the four of us one day lived in the same city again. I am not holding my breath though... just wishing.

Another beautiful thing about taking the top down is the rebirth of the road hat into my life. You know what I am talking about. Sadly, this year, the road hat isn't a part of me as it used to be. Though this may be old news to some of you, the new news is that I shaved my head. The purpuse of the road hat has always been to keep the hair from blowing all round. Well, when the hair isn't so much blowable, the road hat becomes somewhat unnecessary. However, I think that I will continue to wear it, just to keep the tradition alive.

I love having no hair. When I die, shave my head and put me in the dirt. This is the way that I would like to be remembered. The not so good thing... I got roasted yesterday. We are talking extreme sun burn. I don't know what I was thinking... I suppose that the problem was that I wasn't thinking at all. So, today, I am suffering. Such is life.

Having a shaved head in Akron is better than I expected. I think that the difference is that here, people think judgemental things and proceed to keep their mouth shut, where as in Athens, people think judgemental things and than tell me all about those thoughts. It is better here than the last time. I think that my favorite vocal response was from Mae. It went something like this:

"So guess what... I shaved my head." "No, you did not!?" "Yeah, I did." Semi intense laughter, followed by, "That is awesome. When I picture you in my head, even before, when you had hair, you are the bald Colleen. I think that is the way that I will always envision you. You will always be bald to me." It makes me laugh and smile, and feel good inside.

going away.

After spending much time evaluating my life, I have decided that it would be good for me to go away for a while. I am not exactly sure what this will entail or even when it will take place, but be prepared because it is going to happen. The issue at hand is that I need to graduate from college, so I think that this proposed trip is either going to have to provide me with some sort of college credit, or it is going to have to take place after this graduation happens. But lets be honest, that probably isn't going to happen for quite some time, so I would prefer the first option. The credit option is also better because my dad can't give me crap for wasting 3 months of my life when I should be going out into the real world and finding a real job.

There are some trip options that I am looking into, but I just can't seem to make up my mind. The Patagonia trip with Outward Bound Wilderness looks the most exciting to me, but it is only 50 days and it only offers 4 credit hours. The trips with NOLS are amazing, yet somehow it just doesn't look as exciting. However, with NOLS I would get 16 credit hours and the trips are longer. Most of the ones that I am looking at are from 80-90 days. They are also more expensive though. Hmm... I just don't know. That is all. I needed to get it out there.

I would also like to state that I have a job. This job requires that I be at work at 6am. Therefore, if you call me at 10:55pm, than I am not going to answer the phone because I am most likely sleeping. It is also quite possible that I will be extremely irriated that the phone has disturbed me from my slumber. I love it when you call me, but try to keep it to between the hours of 6am and 10pm. Thank you, for your time and consideration.

good friends.

My dad always says two things. (1)Who is looking out for you? (2)You choose the people that you surround yourself with. Surround yourself with people that love, support, encourage, and allow you to be who you are.

Every day, I am realizing more and more how true these things are. My dad likes to talk a lot, because of that, some of the things that he says are not so much noticed, but this is gold. Having good, true friends in life is a huge blessing. This evening, it occurred to me that I have several good friends. To have this gift in life, people that really do love, support, encourage, and allow me to be me, this is irriplaceable. It is sad to think that many people go through life without ever holding on to the good ones, or maybe without even encountering the good ones.

Therefore, friends, I must thank you. Thanks, for loving me, for understanding when I don't call for months, or don't answer my phone when I feel like my life is falling apart. Thanks, for being honest when I need to be rebuked, and for saying just the right words when I am in great need of encouragement. Thank you, for supporting me in all that I pursue, and for challenging me to be a better person.

I am sorry, that I am not always the friend that I would like to be. Always know, and never doubt how much I truely love and appreciate you. Know that I value you more than I will ever be able to express. I will hold on to you for forever, and I love you.

chapped hands and face beaters...

Today, my roommate asked me if being a nice person would ever give anything back to her, or if it would only continue to make her life miserable. I had no response. The problem... I often feel this way myself, therefore, I was completely uncertain how to respond. Sometimes, I wish that I could just make everything better. It is hard for me to watch my friends hurt. I realize that there is nothing that I can do but love them, but that often times leaves me unsatisfied. Why all this suffering? I want Jesus to come back, but at the same time, I want him to put it off a bit longer. There are certain people that are so close, but they just aren't there yet. Jesus, if you could just wait until those ones sign on, than I will be happy. Thanks. Until than, could you try to work with this pain a little? You are swell.

Okay, back to people sucking. I am irritated. There is this moron that keeps commenting on Mae's blog, and he is really starting to tick me off. Seriously, if I knew who this individual was, than I would surely have some words for him. We are talking the not so nice words, and a possible, I am going to beat your face in. It is really strange to me that people feel better about themselves by putting others down. It makes me want to say... "What the hell is wrong with people today?! I hate them all!"

Saturday at work, I got a giant steel splinter in my right index finger. Yesterday, I spent some time with the tweezers and got it out. It hurt. Sadly, as is often the case with the metal type splinters, I only got part of it out. Well, it would seem that sometime between Saturday and this morning, it got infected. (It seemed that it was getting real irritated yesterday, that is why I went through the pains of getting it out.) I suffered through work, and than after my shower, I attacked it with full furry. After squeezing out an excessive amount of whitish yellow puss, I picked and poked until I felt like I was going to pass out. Than I got the knife. Using a sort of scalpel skin from muscle seperating technique that I picked up in BIOS 171, I got the fucker out. I am sorry for the harsh word, but it was a giant pain in my ass. My current medical condition is that I will most likely not loose the finger, and the infection will certainly subside, but the gaping hole is going to be a bit or extremely uncomfortable for several days. Yuck. I can hardly wait to go to work tomorrow and submerge my hands in oil and coolant! It is going to feel so good! Seriously though, pray for my hands. They are so chapped, I think that they might fall off.

what a day.

I actually did it. I woke up this morning and I got my little butt to work. Amazing... talking about it is always easy, but doing it is an altogether different thing. It really was a highly productive day of doing things that I really didn't want to do. First, I did the work thing. Than I came home and showered. I am not sure why, I thought it was the sort of thing that one is supposed to outgrow, but I hate showering. Sadly, this is one of those things that one just shouldn't avoid. Than I sat on the couch for what seemed like hours and read Anna Karenina. I have been reading this book since July (I think it was July). It is too long... I can't handle it... not bad... it just won't hold my attention. Thankfully, I have less than 100 pages left. It should be wrapped up well before the end of the week. Now, you may wonder what was so bad about a relaxing afternoon of reading. Nothing. The issue was the reasoning behind why I read all afternoon. Endres moved out today. Being that both Molnar and I were concerned about the safety of our belongings while she and her various friends were moving her stuff out, it was decided that one of us needed to be here to watch over things. Well, Molnar and Endres have hardly been on speaking terms since Endres moved out, and due to the emotional stress that the situation causes Molnar, it was decided that I would be here for the duration of the moving out process and Molnar would be far far away. Based on the fact that I have been quite civil towards Endres since this whole thing began, I thought that the afternoon would be at least semi-bearable. Oh, how I was wrong. She was such a bitch to me. In fact, the abusive boyfriend, Jesse, was nicer to me than she was. I must say that I have done nothing to deserve this sort of treatment.

Hence, my afternoon was spent reading Anna Karenina and watching certain personal belongings like a hawk. Nothing was harmed, although she did steal the trash cans. Rediculous, I tell you. Than, after it was finally all over, I vacuumed! Yes, that is right, I vacuumed. It was important to me that all remnants of her were gone, and I wanted to move the desk, so vacuuming was a must. When that was all over, I went to my grandma's. Oh, and you know how much I just love Sunday nights at Grandma's house. Needless to say, it was rough.

I put in my dues... the time arrived when I could finally go home and just be... but no! I must have missed the memo, but apparently, this evening was "stupid people get in your cars and drive around night." This prevented me from getting home in the timely fashion that I had hoped, and it caused me a tremendous amount of frustration. Also, it must have been "stupid people go to Giant Eagle in Fairlawn and get in line in front of Colleen Rankin night." All I have to say is, I am done! I am turning my brain off and going to bed. You will not see me again for quite some time.

Saturday.

Today, I worked. This is the first Saturday that I have worked at Alcon since I was in high school. It was strange. I am tired. It is Saturday night at 8:30, I got home from work at 4:30, and I have done nothing but shower, eat dinner, and read. This most likely sounds sad to you. To me, however, it has been beautiful. I am tired. I think that I am going to go to sleep as soon as I finish here.

The amazing thing is this... I am working tomorrow. In my 6 years at Alcon Tool Company this has never happened. Strangely, I don't recall hearing of it ever happening to anyone else either. Quite interesting if you ask me. I am a mover and a shaker. That is what we are doing... moving plant 2 into a recently purchased building. Doug told me this week when he asked me to come in to help that we would work today, start at 6am and most likely be done around 2:30. Well, I left at 4:13 and we still weren't done. So, the plan is to finish tomorrow. Why the rush, you may wonder. My dad (he runs the joint) has been in Ireland for the past 9 days. Apparently, his only request was that the job would be done by the time he got back. Originally, it was scheduled to be done last Saturday, but the event was rescheduled for today because of the mass amount of snow that was present in Akron last weekend. Funny, there was even more snow today. Yeah, it was rediculous. Because we didn't finish today, we have to finish tomorrow, so that the job will be done on Monday morning when the boss returns to work. Nice. Working on a Sunday.

It is strange that I just complained about working on a Sunday. When I still worked at Starbucks I almost never got Sunday, or Saturday for that matter, off. It is interesting to note how things change. I am rambling. I must stop now.

Today's Epiphany.

This morning, I got up and went to work. Recently, I have been suffering from an unusual problem (maybe not for you, but certainly for me). When I go to bed at night, I set my alarm, take off my glasses, and put in my retainers. Well, in the morning, my alarm goes off, I reach back, turn it off than go directly back to sleep. This is not good. It has caused me much trouble in the going to work aspect of my life. I told Erin last night that I need to start using a different sort of alarm system. We pondered over it back and forth, than she found brilliance. It went something like this. "What if you had to wake me up in the morning? Would that be enough to get you out of bed?" I thought for a second and replied, "Yes, I am sure that that most certainly would work." She said, "Alright, we will try it tomorrow, but if you don't get up, I sure as hell am not going to get up, so you will have to call my work and explain to them why I will be there late." I said, "Fine."

So, this morning we tried it. Success! I got out of bed... On time no less... Got dressed, did the various bathroom tasks, started my car, got the coffee, than went and woke Erin up. I felt that it was a beautiful thing. I think that she would agree, being that the alarm has never been her friend. I hope that after a few more days of this, it will no longer be necessary and I will be able to return to my old alarm system.

At work, I was assigned to the lovely task of running a lathe. It was just like old times. Well, you know how I get to do excessive amounts of thinking when I am running a lathe, so I thought. Two things occurred to me. Now, they seem rather trivial, but at the time, they were quite profound. 1. I am not almost completely certain that Randy Dixon is afraid of me. This is funny because (1) he is the plant manager and therefore my boss, and (2) because I have given him no reason whatsoever to be afraid of me. 2. I love the old men, but there are 3 old me in particular that I love the most. They are as follows: Butch Kelly, John Williams, and Jerry Regalis. They are all swell, and you should take some time to get to know them yourself.

That is all, thank you for your time.

Something new.

I am trying something new. Capitalization! I am not sure how it will go, but I think that it is a step in a positive direction. Why, you may wonder, this change? My not capitalizing in my emailing, blogging, and various internet usage has become quite a problem in other areas of my life. Particularly, it is becoming a problem in my educational life. The problem is paper writing. I hope that developing this new habit will mend the problem.

Side note, my roommate just got her hair cut. Chopped off, drastically. She just got home, and well, she is freaking out. You wonder to what extent she is freaking out. Beer. She is drinking a beer. Yes, I must go and console now.

Thoughts.

Often times I wonder if life ever stops changing. I sit and look at the transitions I have been going through lately. I think, all I have to do is get through these changes, and than everything will be just fine. All will move back into a state of normalcy. That is how I have been dealing with things lately. It gets me through the moments of difficulty. Recently, I have been looking at my life from a different angle. That has spurred me to wonder if the changes and transitioning will ever stop. Maybe life is a constant state of change. If that be the case, than I am certainly looking at my life in the wrong way.

One of my favorite quotes several years ago, stated by Karen Kaiser Clarke, was "Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely." I had not thought about that quote in quite some time. I think that it is simply, but profoundly true. Based on my thoughts of my life through the ideas brought on by that adage, I am going to approach some things differently.

There is nothing that I can do about the changes that I am going through, all that I can do is make the best of them in the moment that I am experiencing them. Than walk through the struggles that come out of them, attempting to learn and grow. It is through that potential growth that who I am and my life will be shaped. Through those challenges, maybe I will learn to avoid certain decisions in the future. Through that, maybe my life will be more constant, less tumultuous, or more 'normal.' As Bono and U2 put it, I must "walk on."

On a less deep note, I still haven't gone to the winking lizard! That means that I still haven't gotten my beer of the month, or the glass that it comes in. People, this distresses me. It is already march 8th! If I don't get on this real quick like, than I am going to miss out altogether. They do often times run out. Really, I just don't have a good feeling about the likelihood of my getting a bass glass.

I have never had a job that one received bonus' for their work. I don't really understand the whole process, but I think that it has to be a good thing. My roommate (Molnar) got a bonus yesterday. It is funny. She has been at this new law office for just over a month. Two weeks after she started, she got a spa day (well the whole office got a spa day, but that is not the point). What does a spa day entail, you ask. Well, first of all, they got the entire day off work. Than, they got full access to a fitness facility (though, many chose not to use it). A quality restaurant style lunch was provided for all. As if that isn't enough, they also got a full body massage, manicures, and pedicures! That is right, and no, they didn't have to pay a thing. Ridiculous. Back to the bonus thing... Yesterday Molnar comes home and says, "I got a bonus today! I got gift cards to giant eagle. Guess how much it was for!?" At this point I was thinking, you have got to be kidding me, they just got a spa day... And now this. Than I realized that she actually wanted me to guess how much money she was given to giant eagle. So I thought of some extreme number. "$500." I said. Molnar's response, "No. $1000!" That was when I peed my pants. Ridiculous.

The positive, aside from the fact that Molnar probably wont have to pay for her groceries for a year, I too will benefit from this. I often times have this issue of paying for my friends. This is just great, except, I do it way to often. We are talking to the point that I have no money. Well, Molnar has benefited from this generosity on many, many occations. Now, I get to be the one that doesn't pay! Yeah for me! Aren't you just so excited?!

it can't just be nice.

i have been summoned to post a recent picture of myself. the issue with this is that one has to have a recent picture of themself to post it. and well, i dont. i will try to get on top of that (for who ever you are), but dont hold your breath.

as prementioned, i went to see ani last night. when it was all over, i almost peed my pants i was so excited. it was possibly the best show i have ever seen. the audience was swell, she is an outstanding preformer, and well, her opener was great too. i told molnar that i wanted her to meet, date, and marry this young man andrew bird. he was real good and real cute.

sadly though, the night can never just be great, there is always something. the first problem was that it was blizzarding outside when we were driving up there, and well lakewood is nearly an hour away to begin with. needless to say, we didnt go to winking lizard, so i didnt get my bass. it was even more frustrating because we probably would have had time to go to dinner, but it was almost 7:30 and 7:30 was when andrew bird was supposed to go on. we wanted to see him, so we didnt get food. than, he didnt go on until 8:30. i dont know what that was about, but it was annoying. to make matters worse, there was no reentry. so for the hour that we were sitting there waiting for the show to start, we were unable to smoke. now let me tell you, a hungry colleen is bad enough to deal with, but a hungry and not allowed to smoke colleen... yikes. it aint pretty. i felt a little better about it though, because molnar was hungry and not allowed to smokey either, so she was wearing her cranky pants too.

but the show was great, and all the grumpies went away when it started. so all was well, it ended. we got in the car, started home, and than molnar checked her voicemail. well folks, it looks as though it is a possibility that i will be moving again. to make a long story short... endres is dating the mean boy again (you know the one... likes to hit her and threaten her friends... yeah that one). there was an episode with me and him at my house on tuesday night (please understand that he was told by his probation officer that he isnt allowed on our property, and that we would be calling the police if he was there). well, he was there, i asked him nicely to leave. he said no. i asked him again, and than i called the police. bottome line, endres doesnt feel that she can live here and date jesse at the same time, so she is moving out. she told us last night. sad i know. the problem is this, we (as in molar and i) are not sure how barry (our landlord) is going to handle the whole situation. so we will wait and see.

that is all. now i am really going to the winking lizard.

answering some questions.

i have been summoned to give more information in regard to the wilco show.

jeff tweedy is beautiful. john stirritt is gorgeous. i am in love with these men. sadly, they are both married. even worse, happily married. did i get to meet them, face to face, no. it wasnt because the bob weber conection let me down though. because wilco had an opener that we had no interest in seeing, we arrived at the show a bit late. mind you, it was in time for wilco. however, i should have looked for jason the sound man before the show, thus because i was not there, i was unable to find jason the sound man.

the issue was this. the house of blues uses their own sound guys. therefore, jason was running around backstage doing other various things for the band. when the show was over, and all the people cleared out, i approached the sound men. i explained to him my situation, and he said, "oh well, i will run backstage for you, and find jason. i am sure that he would be all about running out here to meet you and take you backstage. what is your name again? and who do you know that jason knows? okay, i will be back in just a minute." so we wait. several minutes later, the friendly sound man returns. "well, i went back there, but i couldnt find him. i talked to one of the other guys and he said that things are real crazy back there right now. but if you guys want to chill here for a while, than i will go back in a minute and see if i can find him." i said, "well, thanks for checking it out. we will sit around here for a while." so we waited. sadly, after about 15 minutes, security kicked us out. and that is how the story goes.

yeah, so guess what... tonight i am going to an ani difranco show. front row... in the pit... yes, i know you are jealous. hopefully, the fans at this particular venue will be a bit more respectful of the artist and the people that are actually there to see the artist. i am getting spoiled here kids. we are talking 2 outstanding shows in less than a week. i might explode. i think that my new favorite thing is going to concerts. did i mention to you that i am going to bonnaroo in june? yes, well, i am.

i got the new jack johnson cd yesterday, only moments after it was released. it is terrific. he is a pretty boy too. and again, he is married. i just can never win.

the police were at my house last night. i dialed 911 last night. that is all. i am going to eat dinner at the winking lizard now. march 2nd... new beer of the month... have to get the glass. i have a problem yes. it is bass... what fun!

dysfunctional.

i slept 2.5 hours last night. i am not kidding, this is true, no more, no less. i went to bed at 2:43am. i woke up at 5:15am. i had to be at work at 6am. i woke up merner, gave her her coffee, smoked a cigarette, and sped (excessively) to work. i walked in the door at 6am. this is unusual for me. i used to get there between 5:30 and 5:45. it was strange.

you may wonder why i got so little sleep. i was helping a friend. i try to be helpful like that. i like to think that my friends would do the same for me if the roles were reversed. it makes me feel good. these reprocussions however, are not fun.

molnar went back to sleep until 6:45. i worked until 9:15, went home, showered, went to class from 10:45-1:30. went to target, bought the new jack johnson cd. mailed a letter, bought starbucks, than went to pick molnar up at work. she had to turn in her application to the assitantship in her masters program. she didnt know where the building was, so i took her. than i went to my parents for dinner. did some school stuff. came home, washed the dishes, folded my laundry. and now i am sitting here. completely incapable of sleeping. my hands are shaking, my brain in racing a mile a minute, and i cant keep my eyes open. i have to work tomorrow from 6am-noon. than i have to come home, shower, go to school and give a speech.

how has my life entered this state? i feel as though i am falling apart. someone help me please.

transitioning again.

i am returning to work tomorrow. yes, that is right, the factory and i will once again be bashing heads. it has been determined that i have quite an expensive lifestyle, and unless i want to become a hermit and never leave the house, than it is absolutely neccessary that i have some sort of steady income. there are certain sacrifices that i will be making, for budgeting/saving purposes and such, but i need to have some sort of social life. the other change, in order to allow me to return to work, i have had to cut my school schedule down to part time. now, i will be a 12 hour sort of girl, rather than an 18 hour sort of girl. it should be interesting.

these are the things i am sacrificing, and than we will review the things that i am keeping. i know that you are curious to learn all of this information. wants that will be no more: buying any and all the cds that i want at the drop of the hat; eating out or take out nearly every night of the week (yes, i am going to attempt to cook more often), going out to drink (if my friends want to drink, than they can come over, because i can by nearly an intire 6 pack at the store for the price of one beer at a bar); the purchasing of magazines from borders or other book sellers (shelf price is rediculous); drinking starbucks at my every whim (i am going to budget a perdetermined amount for every month, deposit that onto a starbucks card, and once it is gone, it is gone. no more.); i will now only be paying for myself when i am out with my friends (this sounds harsh, but it has gotten out of hand. no more hand-outs, buy your own dinner, buy your own beer, buy your own coffee, and buy your own cigarettes. i am done.)

now for the keepers: the obvious needs will stay, essentials such as food (for the grocery only), paying the rent, untilities, and such. the following wants will stay: magazine subscriptions (rolling stone, spin, paste, and adventure, but that is all, the rest are all cut off). i will allow myself to purchase 2 cds a month (i am not really sure how this will work yet, i may just budget a certain amount and try to use half.com or something). the alotted money on the starbucks card. cigarettes (i am not currently in the state that allows for quiting, it will have to happen at another time). i will allow myself the occational social eating out (this will probably involve budgeting a certain amount too). that is all. i am done now. i am sorry that i had to share all of that with you, but i feel that now that it has been stated somewhere other than my mind, it will be easier to really make it happen. thank you. goodbye.

people of cleveland, you suck.

i am tired of the blogs all about political tiraids. maybe i am shallow, but i would much rather talk about the new lighter that came in the mail today. it is a fancy zippo type. silver with the newcastle label on the cover. johnson, i know that at least you can appreciate this. the rest of you may read and frown with disdain that i smoke at all. that is fine, but i am pretty excited about this new lighter. so excited that i have just written a blog all about it.

this evening, i cooked. somehow i get these fantastic roommates who allow me to pay for groceries in exchange for their cooking for the both of us. at OU, talya did it all. i ate it, then did the dishes, oh and i went to the grocery with her too. now, however, i dont have things quite so easy. we go to the grocery, molnar cooks, but now it is required that i at least watch her cook. she seems to think that by watching, i will learn, eventually become interested, and than before long, be cooking all on my own. we will see. than we eat, and keeping with old tradition, i do the dishes. somehow, it seemed much easier when talya cooked. she has this amazing ability to cook a full meal, dirting only 2 pots/pans/mixing bowls. molnar however, seems to dirty the entire kitchen. yikes. i cleaned up as she dirted, and let me tell you, the drying rack was full 4 times. it was out of control.

the wilco show was last night. i have mixed feelings about the whole thing. the show was great, wilco was outstanding. they surpassed my expectations. played all of my favorite songs. however, the venue was terrible and the crowd was even worse. seriously, what is the problem with people today. who would pay $36 to see a show, go, and then talk through the entire thing? is it not all about the music? the point is to go, listen, and sing and dance along if you are feeling so inclined. i can handle the obnoxious singer next to me, but i cannot tolerate everyone talking around me. it is no good when a true fan has to strain to hear the band. not acceptable. jeff tweedy was pissed off. thanks to all of those dumbass chatty cathy's, wilco will most likely never return to cleveland. it makes me so sad.

taking a stand.

talya has been bloging recently about sweatshops, fair trade and the like. well, i have some things to say. this issue does concern me, but i must say, i have done nothing to take a stand against it, wether it be boycotting, or writting letters. a fact that i am not proud of. i do try to stay away from those clothing companies that are big problems, but i like my life of comfort and i am not sure i am prepared to alter that.

it seems to me that starbucks is often a target of problems within the area of injustice towards their workers, coffee growers, etc. i feel like i need to stand up to support them in this case. dont get me wrong, i have several major issues with the starbucks coffee corporation, but as a whole, i feel that they are doing far better than most. in regard to fair trade, no not all of their coffees are certified, but you must understand what becoming fair trade certified involves. the process is quite lengthy and expensive. is this a good excuse for a company not becoming legitimately fair trade, no, but i think we all understand how the corporation likes to squeeze expenses down to saving the last penny.

i worked for starbucks for a year. to become a certified barista within this company, much learning is required. many people can get by, without learning a thing, but i actually payed attention in my starbucks experience class. of the baristas that worked and still work at store #2401, i still stand as one of the "coffee experts." i know it all, i drink it all, i can pick out a coffee even before sipping it. my intention here is not to brag, it is simply to inform you that i am well informed. that being said, starbucks is on the right track when it comes to the treatment of their coffee growers. though, all of their products are not fair trade, in all cases, they give back to the community in which their coffee is grown. they pay far more for their beans than what any other company would pay within those same regions. they determine pricing based on the cost of living, than provide compensation that allows the growers to live well above the poverty line. granted, in comparison to what starbucks actually sells their coffee for, to us drinkers all over the world, there is tremendous profit made, but they are paying their coffee growers enough money to put them into the upper-class bracket within their societies. outside of just taking care of their growers, starbucks provides for the communities in which these farms are located. the starbucks corporation has built and staffed hundreds of free clinics and schools for the people living in and around these communities. once these areas establish themselves, starbucks than recruits teachers and doctors to move into the communities on a permant basis, allowing them to relocate their doctors and teachers to other locations. now, dont even try to tell me that these are not all good things.

even within the U.S. starbucks does great things in raising funds for cheritable organizations and health organizations. given that starbucks is one of the biggest corporations in the world, i think that these things are quite impressive. no, they are not perfect, but i think that they are on the right track. my point, if you want to point your finger towards unjustice, starbucks is not where you should be looking.