where did you go?

dear friends. you know who you are. where have you gone? i miss you all. i miss reading the stories of your lives. must we go through these phases of not blogging. i suppose that i didnt blog for some time, so now it is all of your turns to not be blogging. i sit here all alone... the lone blogger. i am ridiculed and made fun of, yet i am still persistent. did you know that all of my friends here think that blogging is stupid? well they do. this is how i sacrifice for you. do you even read it anymore?

we are getting a hedgehog. sometime this week, we will go and pick it out and bring it home. we arent sure what we are going to name it yet. it all depends on if it is a girl or a boy. if it is a girl, than the top name at this point is "lola." how do you feel about that? it has a nice ring to it... the girls... vada and lola. vada is the cat. she is cute. help me here all of you name whizes. my imagination has run dry.

english comp. II at UA is a joke. i just had to share that with you. i have far surpassed this level of writing. i feel like it is a waste of my time and a waste of the time of all those in class around me. i am not sure quite how, but i need to come to peace on this issue. monday i have a paper due about a recent arguement i had with the opposite sex. i dont remember the last time i had a significant arguement with the opposite sex. i am thinking that i am either going to have to make something up, or start one just for the purpose of writing this paper. oh what a stress.

i love you all. i miss you. come back to me soon.

it comes and goes

today, i liked school. earlier this week, i hated school. what is it that happens mentally that causes this to happen? am i the only one that experiences this problem, or does it happen to the rest of you as well? maybe it is the cold. it is far to intense for my personal enjoyment.

i punched a hole in my window this morning. you know the technique... partially unzip and then punch out (if you are confused as to what i am talking about... i have zip windows on my jeep. i smoke. this is how one goes about smoking in a jeep with zip windows). well, this morning, it was so cold that the plastic was frozen to the point of cracking. the issue is that one cannot know that the plastic is frozen, therefore, the plastic broke. it is a nice little hole... perfect for smoking out of, which is just great, but it is cold when i am not smoking. it is also going to make washing my car an issue. the question now... to duct tape or not to duct tape. it would work, but then i would loose my nice smoking hole, and i am not sure i will be able to punch the window out at all now. grr.

i got another hole in my tire. same tire... last time it was a nail, this time it was a screw. the only difference... last time the nail went through the tread (patchable), this time, it went through the side (unpatchable). so i got a new tire. what fun it was. i also replaced my winshield whipper blades. all perfect, until the whole hole thing.

lyndsey, thanks for the hoglet info... very helpful. talya, you need to blog... i miss the stories of your life. oh and lyndsey, sorry about your finger. i can sympathsize... as did all of the rest of my starbucks family. it comes with the job.

tata. oh sweet bliss that is statistics lab.

home at 1126?

i want to buy a house. there is a lovely brick (looks to be about 4 bedroom) on W. Exchange st. it is a rent to own type deal. what do you think? first we will examine the situation and then if it still looks interesting, than there will be the talk with my papa. he likes to invest in realestate, so i am thinking that it would be a possibility. yes, we will see.

my brain has turned to a sort of mush. it would seem that molnar and i have switched. she has been quite disfunctionally stupid for the past 3 days. well, this morning we woke up, and molnars brain was back. the trade off... mine is gone. why can we both not have brains?

we are going to get a hedge hog. it will be mine and molnars. it will live here at 1111. then, when we buy the house, it will live there. we will all be one big happy family. colleen, sarah, molnar, endres, vada and the hedgie hoggie. wont that be nice. yes, it is possibly quite a dream world that i live in.

that is all. it is time to start the hunt for the hedge hog. lyndsey... check your messages and call me this instant.

news on the home front

COLD! it is freakin' ass cold outside. the akron public schools issued a "cold day" today. that is right folks, not a "snow day" but a "cold day." they didnt have to go to school because it was too cold to walk to school or stand at the bus stop. one would think that conditions such as these would allow the rest of akron (specifically the university of akron) to have a "cold day." oh contrare. my poor little nose, ass, and toes! they all froze off... yes, that is right... they are gone. you may laugh and think something along the lines of my ass having already been mostly nonexistent... well you should see me now!

restraining orders are processing. that is right, it has escalated to that level. the boy is now violent when drunk and sober. this morning, he threatened to come over, smash in all the windows with a baseball bat and break molnars neck. needless to say, i will be sleeping here for the next few days. i am stressed. my emotions are on edge... i am sure that i cant handle much more. but every time i think about how i just want to go home, that i dont want to deal with this anymore, i remember that i like molnar and her neck, so i am going to do whatever necessary to prevent them from being damaged. plus, i sleep better on the futon here than i do in my own bed anyhow. i supposed that is this what friendship is all about.

crazy people

i have found myself in the midst of a bad situation. this seems like the only sane way to vent, so here i am, completely overwhelmed not knowing what to do. i want to talk, but there is nothing to say. what do i do now... i dont know. endres has a psycho ex-boyfriend. somehow, molnar and i have been caught in the middle. where does one draw the line in the being a good friend department? my emotions cant handle much more. molnar is a mess. is there any resolution to this madness? i am afraid that before this is all over, someone is going to be left seriously hurt.

the letdown

apparently, i am the worst friend ever. i was supposed to go to athens this weekend. mae has a show this evening. the word on the street is that it is her biggest show ever (she is playing with laura). it was going to be an old roomie thing. we were all supposed to be there. 20 monty back together again. i let them all down. in my support, i was torn. i was either going to let my athens friends down, or i was going to let my akron friends down. i went with letting down the athens friends. please, dont think that the decision was easy, or that my decision is an indication of who i care more about. the decision was made based on safty and severity of need. in all honesty, it is probably better that i stayed here anyhow. huge blizzard... bad to drive in.

mae, lyndsey, talya, and emily, i am sorry that i let you all down. mae, in particular, i am sorry that i missed your show. please, give me some grace. i did really need to be here. i do, however, love you all very much. someday, i will learn how to be a good friend.

retracting yet again.

public apology #2. lyndsey, i am sorry for the nasty message that i left for you on my recent blog. it was harsh and unnecessary. i am sorry for the pain that i caused you and i am sorry that i posted it in a blog rather than calling you on the phone. please please please forgive me. i have this issue that involves me reacting before taking the time to really think about the repercussions of the decisions i am making. i am working on it. i am sorry that you had to bear the brunt of the problem. i love you.

moving on. today was my second day of classes at the university of akron. crazy, i have actually been enjoying myself! now dont get me wrong, it pales in comparison to OU, but it is working for me. the whole semester thing is weird, and the class time scheduling is all screwed up, but everything is right downtown, so the distance from class to class requires far less walking. strange, in just 2 days, i have been hearing far more people at UA complaining about how much they have to walk, than i ever did at OU. oh and suckiness... i always forget how freaking cold winter is in northeastern ohio. remember that when you are feeling cold as you walk down grosvenor ave. my face is wind burned, and my feet take hours to thaw out.

i must go study now. oh how i love learning. see you on the flip side.

Metamorphis

delirious?

Hello friend, it's been sometime,

since i've sat at your table, and drank your wine,

worldy lies, empty skies, but only you can satisfy

Can I be somebody?

Not what they want me to be,

just a pale reflection of what you want me to be

Sticks and stones, skin and bones,

my teflon coat is wearing thin,

worldly wise, synthesised,

i'm on the outside looking in

Can I be somebody?

Not what they want me to,

just a pale reflection of what you want me to be,

that's what i'm gonna be, can I be somebody?

Can I be somebody? I'm gonna be somebody

I know one day, I will be free,

my cynical clothing,will fall from me,

flying high in the blink of an eye,

mezzamorphisy

real.

all you people out there that i know and love, the ones that used to be such a huge part of my life, all of you that i never see anymore, yes, you know who you are, i miss you. i am not sure why it is hitting me in such an intense way right now, but i am feeling a deep longing for times past. not saying that i am living in the past or anything, i just miss being surrounded by you. you make me feel like a better person, and though i have those types of relationships here too, it is just not the same. it is as though my life is somehow incomplete without you.

maybe i am feeling all of this because school starts on tuesday. i feel like a scared little five year old who is about to go off to her first day of kindergarden. going to a new university is somehow cutting the ties that i still held in athens. ou was my home, part of me, for several years. now, i feel like i have to move on, seperate myself and move into this new place in my life. i am being overly emotional, i know, but changes are always hard for me. i feel like i am shutting a door to a place that i might not be ready to leave yet. sigh. moving off into darkness, feeling completely out of control, blind to the things before me. this is what is the hardest part.

sometimes, i forget to take care of myself. physically, i have always been bad at making sure that i am being healthy, eating right, exercising and all that. this is probably why i have been on antibiotics for months. i should look into being better about that. in this case though, i am referring to the abstract, the emotional. i suppose that i am more sensitive than most people. this may strike you as funny, because externally, i try to disguise this, but dont be fooled. my heart is very tender. being sensitive bothers me, i think that life would be so much easier if there was no need for love and affection, the tenderness of other people. i think that because of how sensitive i am, my emotions are very heightened. it is essential that i process and deal with my emotions as they come. if i dont take time to be with myself, to sit in the presence of god, process what is going on in my life, be still, it is a huge detrement to my health. without this, i fall apart. when i am doing poorly emotionally, i deteriorate physically. i make poor decisions and i become an altogether miserable version of myself.

being like this is often times excessively irritating to me. i wish that i could be that person that is cold and unresponsive, an emotional wall. i envy those people who can just go and go, never needing to stop and look at themselves. i wish that i could be okay, regardless of the decisions that i am making. i try to live this way anyhow, ignore the fact that i know it will damage me. i try to bury my feelings and pretend that they arent there. generally, this works for a while, but then it all goes to shit. i walk and walk and walk until the pain becomes unbearable. i stop and then i can hear god screaming at me, trying to get my attention, calling me back to him.

eventually, i will find my place in him. i will reach some clarity that brings me back to myself, my real self.

i have lost my love

i dont know what the problem is, but i just dont love blogging like i used to. i am sorry my friends. i would like to say that i will try to do better, but i am not sure that i will try at all. only time will tell.

a few brief messages:

TD: i will be in athens 1.21-1.23 for mae's show. i know that this is a stretch with the whole your roommate strongly dislikes me thing, but do you think that i could stay with you? i was thinking that i would just ask someone else, that i dont know, love, or appreciate nearly as much as you, but i dont like that plan. you are my favorite one there, so i want to stay with you. can we make it happen? no stress, i understand if it is a problem.

mae-mae: i told sarah that she isnt allowed to come to athens with me on the prementioned weekend, so i will be there friday eveningish-sunday morning. work for you? works for me.

i dont know what has happened to me. oh wait, maybe i do... oh never mind.

not really sure why, i feel the need to say sorry for my lack of blogging. i think that it is because i dont have instant access to the internet anymore. such deprivation. maybe it is because i feel like i am so busy i dont have time to breath. excuses, excuses... i know.

school starts for me again, one week from today. university of crakron here i come! now, i am excited to go back to school, ready to graduate and all that, but i have had the understandable reservations about going to the U of A. my dad has been telling me for months that i really need to stop being such a judgmental ass and give it a chance. fine dad. so for the last 2 or 3 weeks, i have been trying to "give it a chance." that time is over now. the last 2 days have thoroughly convince me that UA is completely unimpressive and the organizational system and the people that make it up are entirely void of all intelligence. heed my advice... stay far away! sadly, it is too late for me. i am in over my head, there is no going back now.

ansel adams has been promoted to the piano room wall. iPod arrived in the mail today. new chair for the living room. the new tv stand is beautiful. i still have a sinus infection... yes, we are going on 3 months here. i am having issues getting into this damn statistics class... they arent making it easy for me. my life is full of such bliss and then there are the hick-ups.

i am dying

it is certain that one day we will all die, therefore, we are all, at this point, dying. sadly, i think that my time is a little nearer than some. cause of death: sinus infection. that is right. i have sinusitis, and it is going to kill me. usually, i can handle this illness pretty well, though it is always miserable. issue arises when the thing never goes away. this time, my lovely sinus friend, decided to come for a long visit. it has been with me for 2 months, and survived into its second round of antibiotics. case in point, it will kill me, therefore i am dying. so relax, it isnt the cancer that is going to kill me, it is the sinusitis.

seriously, no, i am not dying. well, i am, but not from this sinus infection, and the cancer is still all gone, so dont fret. i just feel like poop. feeling like poop isnt fun, and feeling like poop for 2 months is even less fun. yes, my life is miserable.

a positive just to lighten up your day... i got curtain rods today! what fun, i really feel as though my life is not complete. now, back to my whining. i have a slow leak in every one of the tires on my jeep. explain to me, please, how this happens.

do any of you know about iPods? i need to get the music back onto my computer from the iPod because i inadvertently erased the entire library. is this possible? i cant figure it out. help me please.