bustin' out the road hat...

Yesterday, I put the top down. It is the simple things in life, such as these, that make my heart happy. Seriously, you could have given me any sort of devistating news yesterday and I don't think it would have phased me. It brought back memories from the days of old. I am not sure why, but all I could think about was going to Larry's Dawg House and getting peanut butter milk shakes with Talya, Mae, and Lyndsey. That time that Lyndsey wouldn't use the door to get into the back seat... she just kept climbing in at the tire. Sigh. I miss those days. It would be a beautiful thing if the four of us one day lived in the same city again. I am not holding my breath though... just wishing.

Another beautiful thing about taking the top down is the rebirth of the road hat into my life. You know what I am talking about. Sadly, this year, the road hat isn't a part of me as it used to be. Though this may be old news to some of you, the new news is that I shaved my head. The purpuse of the road hat has always been to keep the hair from blowing all round. Well, when the hair isn't so much blowable, the road hat becomes somewhat unnecessary. However, I think that I will continue to wear it, just to keep the tradition alive.

I love having no hair. When I die, shave my head and put me in the dirt. This is the way that I would like to be remembered. The not so good thing... I got roasted yesterday. We are talking extreme sun burn. I don't know what I was thinking... I suppose that the problem was that I wasn't thinking at all. So, today, I am suffering. Such is life.

Having a shaved head in Akron is better than I expected. I think that the difference is that here, people think judgemental things and proceed to keep their mouth shut, where as in Athens, people think judgemental things and than tell me all about those thoughts. It is better here than the last time. I think that my favorite vocal response was from Mae. It went something like this:

"So guess what... I shaved my head." "No, you did not!?" "Yeah, I did." Semi intense laughter, followed by, "That is awesome. When I picture you in my head, even before, when you had hair, you are the bald Colleen. I think that is the way that I will always envision you. You will always be bald to me." It makes me laugh and smile, and feel good inside.

going away.

After spending much time evaluating my life, I have decided that it would be good for me to go away for a while. I am not exactly sure what this will entail or even when it will take place, but be prepared because it is going to happen. The issue at hand is that I need to graduate from college, so I think that this proposed trip is either going to have to provide me with some sort of college credit, or it is going to have to take place after this graduation happens. But lets be honest, that probably isn't going to happen for quite some time, so I would prefer the first option. The credit option is also better because my dad can't give me crap for wasting 3 months of my life when I should be going out into the real world and finding a real job.

There are some trip options that I am looking into, but I just can't seem to make up my mind. The Patagonia trip with Outward Bound Wilderness looks the most exciting to me, but it is only 50 days and it only offers 4 credit hours. The trips with NOLS are amazing, yet somehow it just doesn't look as exciting. However, with NOLS I would get 16 credit hours and the trips are longer. Most of the ones that I am looking at are from 80-90 days. They are also more expensive though. Hmm... I just don't know. That is all. I needed to get it out there.

I would also like to state that I have a job. This job requires that I be at work at 6am. Therefore, if you call me at 10:55pm, than I am not going to answer the phone because I am most likely sleeping. It is also quite possible that I will be extremely irriated that the phone has disturbed me from my slumber. I love it when you call me, but try to keep it to between the hours of 6am and 10pm. Thank you, for your time and consideration.

good friends.

My dad always says two things. (1)Who is looking out for you? (2)You choose the people that you surround yourself with. Surround yourself with people that love, support, encourage, and allow you to be who you are.

Every day, I am realizing more and more how true these things are. My dad likes to talk a lot, because of that, some of the things that he says are not so much noticed, but this is gold. Having good, true friends in life is a huge blessing. This evening, it occurred to me that I have several good friends. To have this gift in life, people that really do love, support, encourage, and allow me to be me, this is irriplaceable. It is sad to think that many people go through life without ever holding on to the good ones, or maybe without even encountering the good ones.

Therefore, friends, I must thank you. Thanks, for loving me, for understanding when I don't call for months, or don't answer my phone when I feel like my life is falling apart. Thanks, for being honest when I need to be rebuked, and for saying just the right words when I am in great need of encouragement. Thank you, for supporting me in all that I pursue, and for challenging me to be a better person.

I am sorry, that I am not always the friend that I would like to be. Always know, and never doubt how much I truely love and appreciate you. Know that I value you more than I will ever be able to express. I will hold on to you for forever, and I love you.

chapped hands and face beaters...

Today, my roommate asked me if being a nice person would ever give anything back to her, or if it would only continue to make her life miserable. I had no response. The problem... I often feel this way myself, therefore, I was completely uncertain how to respond. Sometimes, I wish that I could just make everything better. It is hard for me to watch my friends hurt. I realize that there is nothing that I can do but love them, but that often times leaves me unsatisfied. Why all this suffering? I want Jesus to come back, but at the same time, I want him to put it off a bit longer. There are certain people that are so close, but they just aren't there yet. Jesus, if you could just wait until those ones sign on, than I will be happy. Thanks. Until than, could you try to work with this pain a little? You are swell.

Okay, back to people sucking. I am irritated. There is this moron that keeps commenting on Mae's blog, and he is really starting to tick me off. Seriously, if I knew who this individual was, than I would surely have some words for him. We are talking the not so nice words, and a possible, I am going to beat your face in. It is really strange to me that people feel better about themselves by putting others down. It makes me want to say... "What the hell is wrong with people today?! I hate them all!"

Saturday at work, I got a giant steel splinter in my right index finger. Yesterday, I spent some time with the tweezers and got it out. It hurt. Sadly, as is often the case with the metal type splinters, I only got part of it out. Well, it would seem that sometime between Saturday and this morning, it got infected. (It seemed that it was getting real irritated yesterday, that is why I went through the pains of getting it out.) I suffered through work, and than after my shower, I attacked it with full furry. After squeezing out an excessive amount of whitish yellow puss, I picked and poked until I felt like I was going to pass out. Than I got the knife. Using a sort of scalpel skin from muscle seperating technique that I picked up in BIOS 171, I got the fucker out. I am sorry for the harsh word, but it was a giant pain in my ass. My current medical condition is that I will most likely not loose the finger, and the infection will certainly subside, but the gaping hole is going to be a bit or extremely uncomfortable for several days. Yuck. I can hardly wait to go to work tomorrow and submerge my hands in oil and coolant! It is going to feel so good! Seriously though, pray for my hands. They are so chapped, I think that they might fall off.

what a day.

I actually did it. I woke up this morning and I got my little butt to work. Amazing... talking about it is always easy, but doing it is an altogether different thing. It really was a highly productive day of doing things that I really didn't want to do. First, I did the work thing. Than I came home and showered. I am not sure why, I thought it was the sort of thing that one is supposed to outgrow, but I hate showering. Sadly, this is one of those things that one just shouldn't avoid. Than I sat on the couch for what seemed like hours and read Anna Karenina. I have been reading this book since July (I think it was July). It is too long... I can't handle it... not bad... it just won't hold my attention. Thankfully, I have less than 100 pages left. It should be wrapped up well before the end of the week. Now, you may wonder what was so bad about a relaxing afternoon of reading. Nothing. The issue was the reasoning behind why I read all afternoon. Endres moved out today. Being that both Molnar and I were concerned about the safety of our belongings while she and her various friends were moving her stuff out, it was decided that one of us needed to be here to watch over things. Well, Molnar and Endres have hardly been on speaking terms since Endres moved out, and due to the emotional stress that the situation causes Molnar, it was decided that I would be here for the duration of the moving out process and Molnar would be far far away. Based on the fact that I have been quite civil towards Endres since this whole thing began, I thought that the afternoon would be at least semi-bearable. Oh, how I was wrong. She was such a bitch to me. In fact, the abusive boyfriend, Jesse, was nicer to me than she was. I must say that I have done nothing to deserve this sort of treatment.

Hence, my afternoon was spent reading Anna Karenina and watching certain personal belongings like a hawk. Nothing was harmed, although she did steal the trash cans. Rediculous, I tell you. Than, after it was finally all over, I vacuumed! Yes, that is right, I vacuumed. It was important to me that all remnants of her were gone, and I wanted to move the desk, so vacuuming was a must. When that was all over, I went to my grandma's. Oh, and you know how much I just love Sunday nights at Grandma's house. Needless to say, it was rough.

I put in my dues... the time arrived when I could finally go home and just be... but no! I must have missed the memo, but apparently, this evening was "stupid people get in your cars and drive around night." This prevented me from getting home in the timely fashion that I had hoped, and it caused me a tremendous amount of frustration. Also, it must have been "stupid people go to Giant Eagle in Fairlawn and get in line in front of Colleen Rankin night." All I have to say is, I am done! I am turning my brain off and going to bed. You will not see me again for quite some time.

Saturday.

Today, I worked. This is the first Saturday that I have worked at Alcon since I was in high school. It was strange. I am tired. It is Saturday night at 8:30, I got home from work at 4:30, and I have done nothing but shower, eat dinner, and read. This most likely sounds sad to you. To me, however, it has been beautiful. I am tired. I think that I am going to go to sleep as soon as I finish here.

The amazing thing is this... I am working tomorrow. In my 6 years at Alcon Tool Company this has never happened. Strangely, I don't recall hearing of it ever happening to anyone else either. Quite interesting if you ask me. I am a mover and a shaker. That is what we are doing... moving plant 2 into a recently purchased building. Doug told me this week when he asked me to come in to help that we would work today, start at 6am and most likely be done around 2:30. Well, I left at 4:13 and we still weren't done. So, the plan is to finish tomorrow. Why the rush, you may wonder. My dad (he runs the joint) has been in Ireland for the past 9 days. Apparently, his only request was that the job would be done by the time he got back. Originally, it was scheduled to be done last Saturday, but the event was rescheduled for today because of the mass amount of snow that was present in Akron last weekend. Funny, there was even more snow today. Yeah, it was rediculous. Because we didn't finish today, we have to finish tomorrow, so that the job will be done on Monday morning when the boss returns to work. Nice. Working on a Sunday.

It is strange that I just complained about working on a Sunday. When I still worked at Starbucks I almost never got Sunday, or Saturday for that matter, off. It is interesting to note how things change. I am rambling. I must stop now.

Today's Epiphany.

This morning, I got up and went to work. Recently, I have been suffering from an unusual problem (maybe not for you, but certainly for me). When I go to bed at night, I set my alarm, take off my glasses, and put in my retainers. Well, in the morning, my alarm goes off, I reach back, turn it off than go directly back to sleep. This is not good. It has caused me much trouble in the going to work aspect of my life. I told Erin last night that I need to start using a different sort of alarm system. We pondered over it back and forth, than she found brilliance. It went something like this. "What if you had to wake me up in the morning? Would that be enough to get you out of bed?" I thought for a second and replied, "Yes, I am sure that that most certainly would work." She said, "Alright, we will try it tomorrow, but if you don't get up, I sure as hell am not going to get up, so you will have to call my work and explain to them why I will be there late." I said, "Fine."

So, this morning we tried it. Success! I got out of bed... On time no less... Got dressed, did the various bathroom tasks, started my car, got the coffee, than went and woke Erin up. I felt that it was a beautiful thing. I think that she would agree, being that the alarm has never been her friend. I hope that after a few more days of this, it will no longer be necessary and I will be able to return to my old alarm system.

At work, I was assigned to the lovely task of running a lathe. It was just like old times. Well, you know how I get to do excessive amounts of thinking when I am running a lathe, so I thought. Two things occurred to me. Now, they seem rather trivial, but at the time, they were quite profound. 1. I am not almost completely certain that Randy Dixon is afraid of me. This is funny because (1) he is the plant manager and therefore my boss, and (2) because I have given him no reason whatsoever to be afraid of me. 2. I love the old men, but there are 3 old me in particular that I love the most. They are as follows: Butch Kelly, John Williams, and Jerry Regalis. They are all swell, and you should take some time to get to know them yourself.

That is all, thank you for your time.

Something new.

I am trying something new. Capitalization! I am not sure how it will go, but I think that it is a step in a positive direction. Why, you may wonder, this change? My not capitalizing in my emailing, blogging, and various internet usage has become quite a problem in other areas of my life. Particularly, it is becoming a problem in my educational life. The problem is paper writing. I hope that developing this new habit will mend the problem.

Side note, my roommate just got her hair cut. Chopped off, drastically. She just got home, and well, she is freaking out. You wonder to what extent she is freaking out. Beer. She is drinking a beer. Yes, I must go and console now.

Thoughts.

Often times I wonder if life ever stops changing. I sit and look at the transitions I have been going through lately. I think, all I have to do is get through these changes, and than everything will be just fine. All will move back into a state of normalcy. That is how I have been dealing with things lately. It gets me through the moments of difficulty. Recently, I have been looking at my life from a different angle. That has spurred me to wonder if the changes and transitioning will ever stop. Maybe life is a constant state of change. If that be the case, than I am certainly looking at my life in the wrong way.

One of my favorite quotes several years ago, stated by Karen Kaiser Clarke, was "Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely." I had not thought about that quote in quite some time. I think that it is simply, but profoundly true. Based on my thoughts of my life through the ideas brought on by that adage, I am going to approach some things differently.

There is nothing that I can do about the changes that I am going through, all that I can do is make the best of them in the moment that I am experiencing them. Than walk through the struggles that come out of them, attempting to learn and grow. It is through that potential growth that who I am and my life will be shaped. Through those challenges, maybe I will learn to avoid certain decisions in the future. Through that, maybe my life will be more constant, less tumultuous, or more 'normal.' As Bono and U2 put it, I must "walk on."

On a less deep note, I still haven't gone to the winking lizard! That means that I still haven't gotten my beer of the month, or the glass that it comes in. People, this distresses me. It is already march 8th! If I don't get on this real quick like, than I am going to miss out altogether. They do often times run out. Really, I just don't have a good feeling about the likelihood of my getting a bass glass.

I have never had a job that one received bonus' for their work. I don't really understand the whole process, but I think that it has to be a good thing. My roommate (Molnar) got a bonus yesterday. It is funny. She has been at this new law office for just over a month. Two weeks after she started, she got a spa day (well the whole office got a spa day, but that is not the point). What does a spa day entail, you ask. Well, first of all, they got the entire day off work. Than, they got full access to a fitness facility (though, many chose not to use it). A quality restaurant style lunch was provided for all. As if that isn't enough, they also got a full body massage, manicures, and pedicures! That is right, and no, they didn't have to pay a thing. Ridiculous. Back to the bonus thing... Yesterday Molnar comes home and says, "I got a bonus today! I got gift cards to giant eagle. Guess how much it was for!?" At this point I was thinking, you have got to be kidding me, they just got a spa day... And now this. Than I realized that she actually wanted me to guess how much money she was given to giant eagle. So I thought of some extreme number. "$500." I said. Molnar's response, "No. $1000!" That was when I peed my pants. Ridiculous.

The positive, aside from the fact that Molnar probably wont have to pay for her groceries for a year, I too will benefit from this. I often times have this issue of paying for my friends. This is just great, except, I do it way to often. We are talking to the point that I have no money. Well, Molnar has benefited from this generosity on many, many occations. Now, I get to be the one that doesn't pay! Yeah for me! Aren't you just so excited?!

it can't just be nice.

i have been summoned to post a recent picture of myself. the issue with this is that one has to have a recent picture of themself to post it. and well, i dont. i will try to get on top of that (for who ever you are), but dont hold your breath.

as prementioned, i went to see ani last night. when it was all over, i almost peed my pants i was so excited. it was possibly the best show i have ever seen. the audience was swell, she is an outstanding preformer, and well, her opener was great too. i told molnar that i wanted her to meet, date, and marry this young man andrew bird. he was real good and real cute.

sadly though, the night can never just be great, there is always something. the first problem was that it was blizzarding outside when we were driving up there, and well lakewood is nearly an hour away to begin with. needless to say, we didnt go to winking lizard, so i didnt get my bass. it was even more frustrating because we probably would have had time to go to dinner, but it was almost 7:30 and 7:30 was when andrew bird was supposed to go on. we wanted to see him, so we didnt get food. than, he didnt go on until 8:30. i dont know what that was about, but it was annoying. to make matters worse, there was no reentry. so for the hour that we were sitting there waiting for the show to start, we were unable to smoke. now let me tell you, a hungry colleen is bad enough to deal with, but a hungry and not allowed to smoke colleen... yikes. it aint pretty. i felt a little better about it though, because molnar was hungry and not allowed to smokey either, so she was wearing her cranky pants too.

but the show was great, and all the grumpies went away when it started. so all was well, it ended. we got in the car, started home, and than molnar checked her voicemail. well folks, it looks as though it is a possibility that i will be moving again. to make a long story short... endres is dating the mean boy again (you know the one... likes to hit her and threaten her friends... yeah that one). there was an episode with me and him at my house on tuesday night (please understand that he was told by his probation officer that he isnt allowed on our property, and that we would be calling the police if he was there). well, he was there, i asked him nicely to leave. he said no. i asked him again, and than i called the police. bottome line, endres doesnt feel that she can live here and date jesse at the same time, so she is moving out. she told us last night. sad i know. the problem is this, we (as in molar and i) are not sure how barry (our landlord) is going to handle the whole situation. so we will wait and see.

that is all. now i am really going to the winking lizard.

answering some questions.

i have been summoned to give more information in regard to the wilco show.

jeff tweedy is beautiful. john stirritt is gorgeous. i am in love with these men. sadly, they are both married. even worse, happily married. did i get to meet them, face to face, no. it wasnt because the bob weber conection let me down though. because wilco had an opener that we had no interest in seeing, we arrived at the show a bit late. mind you, it was in time for wilco. however, i should have looked for jason the sound man before the show, thus because i was not there, i was unable to find jason the sound man.

the issue was this. the house of blues uses their own sound guys. therefore, jason was running around backstage doing other various things for the band. when the show was over, and all the people cleared out, i approached the sound men. i explained to him my situation, and he said, "oh well, i will run backstage for you, and find jason. i am sure that he would be all about running out here to meet you and take you backstage. what is your name again? and who do you know that jason knows? okay, i will be back in just a minute." so we wait. several minutes later, the friendly sound man returns. "well, i went back there, but i couldnt find him. i talked to one of the other guys and he said that things are real crazy back there right now. but if you guys want to chill here for a while, than i will go back in a minute and see if i can find him." i said, "well, thanks for checking it out. we will sit around here for a while." so we waited. sadly, after about 15 minutes, security kicked us out. and that is how the story goes.

yeah, so guess what... tonight i am going to an ani difranco show. front row... in the pit... yes, i know you are jealous. hopefully, the fans at this particular venue will be a bit more respectful of the artist and the people that are actually there to see the artist. i am getting spoiled here kids. we are talking 2 outstanding shows in less than a week. i might explode. i think that my new favorite thing is going to concerts. did i mention to you that i am going to bonnaroo in june? yes, well, i am.

i got the new jack johnson cd yesterday, only moments after it was released. it is terrific. he is a pretty boy too. and again, he is married. i just can never win.

the police were at my house last night. i dialed 911 last night. that is all. i am going to eat dinner at the winking lizard now. march 2nd... new beer of the month... have to get the glass. i have a problem yes. it is bass... what fun!

dysfunctional.

i slept 2.5 hours last night. i am not kidding, this is true, no more, no less. i went to bed at 2:43am. i woke up at 5:15am. i had to be at work at 6am. i woke up merner, gave her her coffee, smoked a cigarette, and sped (excessively) to work. i walked in the door at 6am. this is unusual for me. i used to get there between 5:30 and 5:45. it was strange.

you may wonder why i got so little sleep. i was helping a friend. i try to be helpful like that. i like to think that my friends would do the same for me if the roles were reversed. it makes me feel good. these reprocussions however, are not fun.

molnar went back to sleep until 6:45. i worked until 9:15, went home, showered, went to class from 10:45-1:30. went to target, bought the new jack johnson cd. mailed a letter, bought starbucks, than went to pick molnar up at work. she had to turn in her application to the assitantship in her masters program. she didnt know where the building was, so i took her. than i went to my parents for dinner. did some school stuff. came home, washed the dishes, folded my laundry. and now i am sitting here. completely incapable of sleeping. my hands are shaking, my brain in racing a mile a minute, and i cant keep my eyes open. i have to work tomorrow from 6am-noon. than i have to come home, shower, go to school and give a speech.

how has my life entered this state? i feel as though i am falling apart. someone help me please.