here i am.

Sorry, I got lost. Not really, I knew where I was all along. Things get crazy and I run away. I suppose that it is my way. Apparently, I am not good at dealing with problems.

You should see our computer desk. It is madness. I clean it off, and than it gets cluttered. The plethera of cd's is getting quite out of hand. I mean really, I had to move 2 stacks to get to the keyboard. If you think that I like music... you should see the one I live with. It is beyond comprehension. Rediculous.

I don't know exactly why I feel that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but I fear that it is coming, soon. I have been trying to keep it under control, but it seems to be getting away from me. I have started back at the factory, and this only makes it worse. I mangled my hand the first day back, and I have been trying to mend it since then. I am tired of the cuts, the blood, then constant standing, and having no one to talk to. My friends think that I am crazy. After I get out of work, they can't get me to shut up. I contend that I talk constantly because I have spent all day not talking at all. They don't seem to understand. No one wants to hear about work. Shouldn't friends care about friends? I understand that my work and the talk of it isn't exactly what one would call exciting, but it is a part of my life. I feel all bottled up inside when I can't talk about these things. It really rubs me the wrong way.

That is all.

again...

I suppose that it couldn't be avoided forever. I got another ticket. Yes, a speeding ticket. It had been since January or February of 2003 since my last one. It was long overdue. I was going 80 in a 55. The cop liked me though, so he wrote that I was going 70 in a 55, therefore preventing me from having to go to court. I think that if he had seen my previous speeding record he would not have been quite as gracious. Fortunately, the tickets rolled over when I turned 21. Now, all that I will have to do is keep the numbers down until I turn 25. Somehow, now, that seems incredibly unlikely, and I fear that I have relapsed back into my past speeding/ ticket problem.

It occured to me today that I have to move in 2 weeks. This is not good, and I might start freaking out. I wonder why there is such constant stress. It is not pleasant. Sigh. It is all too much for me.

TI-RED.

Say it just like that, TI-RED. That is what I am... tired. There is no other way to put it. It must be said just like that... excentuating the syllables. I don't know what I am tired of. Maybe it is just the routine. I need something new. Somehow, the routine becomes a sort of rut for me. Regardless of the excitement that it may hold, it becomes monotomous (I must be the worst speller on the planet!).

My last final is tomorrow at 2pm. I will be done for the summer. For that short time, the University of Akron will not be a part of my life. Such a beautiful thing it will be. Something to look forward to in the fall... DARS. That is right, U of A will start using DARS in the fall. My life will have a little piece of OU. Maybe it will make my experience at this school that I seem to hate a little bit better.

The new will start on Wednesday or Thursday. I will go back to the old men. It is not the best thing that I can envision, but it is comfortable. It is something that I know, somehow making me who I am. The old men love me, they take care of me. And in some strange way, working with them keeps me grounded. It keeps me remembering what is important. I suppose that is something that some people never have. So, I will take this good with the bad, and I will value my time there when it lasts. By the end of the summer, I will be TI-RED of it all, and I will be ready to go back to school. I wonder what I shall do when I join the real world, and I don't have these cycles of change to keep me trucking.

Mother's Day

My mother has left me on Mother's Day. I suppose that it is a good thing, she is doing what she wants to do on the day that is supposed to be for her enjoyment. I am hoping that she didn't leave simply because she doesn't like me and therefore, doesn't want to spend Mother's Day with me. She went on vacation, and left me here all alone to fend for myself on this day that so many families are together.

I have used this time for myself instead. I sit here listing to Guster and enjoying this beautiful day. Finally, it feels like spring. There are flowering trees and the sun is shining. Loving this weather, I think that I might like to move back to the country. The city noises leave me unsettled. Yesterday, I sat outside my parents house and realized how much I missed the peace. There is something about listing to the birds and hearing the wind blowing in the trees that is more calming than anything I know. It is like a little piece of what I get sitting next to a mountain. My soul has not felt so at peace in quite some time. There is a healing that takes place for me in the country. Maybe I am a farm girl after all. It just took some time away to realize what I had missed or not appreciated for all those years.

I need a mountain. It has been too long since I have seen one. The prospect of taking a road trip to the west stirs my insides. This is something that I must do. It somehow restores me to the child that my Father created me to be. It must be a rocky mountain. The mountains of Appelachia will not do anymore. They need to be the big ones.

Enjoy your day for the Mom's. I will squelch off of someone else's mom. Eat Outback, and play with puppies. All in all, it will be an okay day, considering that my mommy has left me all alone.

the baby.

I don't know that I have told you about the baby. She is great. I have progressed with her through the growing. She is just over a year and a half and oh so cute. Her name is Ava. She has many friends. We are all of the Starbucks baristas, former (such as me) and present that were there through her fetal stages, birth, and subsequent growth period. She loves me. I love her. To Ava, I am not 'Colleen,' I am 'Cayeen.' It is so cute. You should hear her say it.

She likes to swing. The entire time that she swings, she says, "weee!" No matter how long she is on that thing, the word is never absent. It is hilarious. I like to go to the park with her, and I like to push her on the swing. Before she associated my name with me (she knew my name, and she knew me, but she didn't identify the two as going together), every time that she saw me, she would smile real big and quizically say, "wee?" Can it get much cuter than that? She really is the best kid ever. Someday, I want to have bunches that are just like her.

A sad thing happened this evening, but something great came out of the sadness. A bunch of us went to dinner at Otani (Japanese hebachi type place), Ava and her mom came because Bird's (we call her Bird because she is one of the five Erins, so last names are used to distingwish) husband was at work. Jason (Bird's husband) manages a locally owned pizza joint. Well, this evening, he was delivering a pizza and his car was stolen (watch out Chris, I guess that this is a common problem). So, Bird had to go and get Jason. Erin and I got to watch the baby! It was the most fun ever! I just love that kid.

That is all, I just had to tell you about the baby. Oh, and in case you were dying to know, the other Erins are as follows: Molnar (my roommate), Bird, Alsip (the only boy of said name), Endres (my former roommate), and Crise (she is the newest addition, and taking on another Erin was a major problem at first, but she is cool, so we think we might keep her around for a while).

Ryan Adams is a gorgeous speciman of a human being. This is something that all of you should know. Making him even more irrisistable, he is quirky... possibly even strange... definately entertaining, in the personality sort of way. That voice. Oh, I could listen to it all day. Stage presence, quality. He is really one of the best performers and artists that I have ever seen or heard. This is a show that will be remembered for years to come. I saw him on Wednesday night. I tried for 2 days to not say anything about it because I said that I was't going to talk about concerts here anymore, but I couldn't contain myself. Sorry.

Arnie's reopened last night. If you are unfamilier with Arnie's, it is my favorite bar in Akron. We have had a strong bond since late 2002. In the end of March, Arnie's closed to relocate. Than for more than a month and a half they were closed to remodel their new location. It was a hard time for me. For about the last 3 weeks, Erin and I have been taking turns calling and asking them when they would reopen. The last week and a half, we have called every day. Yesterday, we called twice (I understand, we might be a bit excentric, but Arnie's is not a matter to be taken lightly). It finally happened, they opened. So we got the possy together and off we went.

The synopsis is this. Good, but not great, and it is certainly not what it used to be. There are a few theories that stand in my favor. (1) Last night was Sinco d'Mio (sorry, I am sure that I spelled that wrong), therefore the massive amount of scantily clad ladies could be attributed to that. (2) It is "the new bar in town" so lots of people (the annoying non-regulars) will want to see what it is all about. (3) Location... it is not downtown, and it is not in the valley. This is almost a gureentee that it will not be frequented by the weekend drinkers because they cannot walk from bar to bar. Their social needs will not be satisfied at Arnie's.

I will not give up my claim. This is my bar. The meat eaters cannot have it. This bar is reserved for the cool old people, and the non-conformists such as myself. If my theories prove to be wrong, I just don't know what I will do with myself. It is possible that my life will never be the same.

Hello friends. It has been quite some time since I have been here. I am sorry if you have missed me. I was sick... so so sick... I thought for a minute that I might not make it. Sickness is an aweful thing. I think that the awefulness of the whole thing might be made worse because I am such a whiny baby. Oh, the poor people who have to deal with me when I am ill. I am sorry, and thank you, for being my friend through these rough spots. In regard to my having been gone for a few days, I have just updated myself on all of the activities of your blogs. There is a plethera of comments that I have left on your blogs from days gone by. If you are interested, you will have to go back and look. I hope that you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.

Sweatshops and responsible shopping. I am amazed and incredibly impressed by anyone who successfully lives their physical life to emulate the standards that come out of their mouth. I think that sweatshop labor and child labor is a horrendous injustice. Sadly, my thinking that, has had no impact in my life. I am a US citizen who has become quite accustomed to my luxury and convienience. It is sad. I am quite unhappy with myself. Is this enough to cause me to change? I don't know. One day, I hope that I will become a bigger person than I am currently.

Some tips to those of you who are pursing this lifestyle of boycotting those injustices of our world and society.
Coffee: Seattle's Best, formerly independent, Coffee which is now owned by the Starbucks Corporation, is all about Fair Trade and Certified Organic coffees. They are in fact all quite good. You should look into them. I must say here, I am incredibly displeased with Starbucks. They are the largest coffee company in the world, and they have only one "officially" Fair Trade coffee. This is a shame. Being that they have so much money, I feel that they should go the extra mile and make all of their coffees Fair Trade. This may seem drastic, but AMT (an English indie joint which is actually quite well-established in Great Britian) has recently made all of their coffees Fair Trade. It seems to me that if a drastically smaller, thus less profitable, company is capable of making all of their coffee Fair Trade than a huge corporation such as Starbucks should make some changes and put into action the standards that they claim.
Clothing: Patagonia (the clothing company, not the region in Chile) is the mecca of social conciousness. They put great emphasis on environmental conservation, proper labor conditions and treatment of employees, equal benefits to all individuals, and the manufactoring of a superior product. Sadly, their products are very high priced, but it is most definately money well spent. American Apparel is a great company with great products. All of their clothing is Made in the USA, and sweatshop free. They support Farm Aid and several other socially and environmentally concious organizations. They are all about giving back to the land and standing up for what is right. Another focus, one I particularly enjoy, is their support of environmentally and socially active artists and musicians. They offer a plethera of musicans the manufacturing and printing of t-shirts with profit going to designated organizations. So, look for the AA t-shirts next time you are at a concert. They also have a great website.
Personal Care: Aveda produces and markets beauty/salon products. This company is really impressive. They use no animal testing, and their products are all-natural. They use absolutely no chemicals. Check them out, their stuff is for boys and girls.

I have been researching these issues as of late. The wheels up there are spinning. I have come up with no final decision, but I have reached a point that I am saddened and frustrated with myself. I complain about these problems, but I have done nothing to stop them. The first step is to change my actions and decisions, but I changed nothing about my actions and lifestyle. That said, Talya, are there plans to write letters or a letter to Starbucks? If there aren't plans than there needs to be. I have some words. I am done now. Sorry, if that was all incredibly boring for you, I thought it might be helpful and interesting to some of you.