real.

all you people out there that i know and love, the ones that used to be such a huge part of my life, all of you that i never see anymore, yes, you know who you are, i miss you. i am not sure why it is hitting me in such an intense way right now, but i am feeling a deep longing for times past. not saying that i am living in the past or anything, i just miss being surrounded by you. you make me feel like a better person, and though i have those types of relationships here too, it is just not the same. it is as though my life is somehow incomplete without you.

maybe i am feeling all of this because school starts on tuesday. i feel like a scared little five year old who is about to go off to her first day of kindergarden. going to a new university is somehow cutting the ties that i still held in athens. ou was my home, part of me, for several years. now, i feel like i have to move on, seperate myself and move into this new place in my life. i am being overly emotional, i know, but changes are always hard for me. i feel like i am shutting a door to a place that i might not be ready to leave yet. sigh. moving off into darkness, feeling completely out of control, blind to the things before me. this is what is the hardest part.

sometimes, i forget to take care of myself. physically, i have always been bad at making sure that i am being healthy, eating right, exercising and all that. this is probably why i have been on antibiotics for months. i should look into being better about that. in this case though, i am referring to the abstract, the emotional. i suppose that i am more sensitive than most people. this may strike you as funny, because externally, i try to disguise this, but dont be fooled. my heart is very tender. being sensitive bothers me, i think that life would be so much easier if there was no need for love and affection, the tenderness of other people. i think that because of how sensitive i am, my emotions are very heightened. it is essential that i process and deal with my emotions as they come. if i dont take time to be with myself, to sit in the presence of god, process what is going on in my life, be still, it is a huge detrement to my health. without this, i fall apart. when i am doing poorly emotionally, i deteriorate physically. i make poor decisions and i become an altogether miserable version of myself.

being like this is often times excessively irritating to me. i wish that i could be that person that is cold and unresponsive, an emotional wall. i envy those people who can just go and go, never needing to stop and look at themselves. i wish that i could be okay, regardless of the decisions that i am making. i try to live this way anyhow, ignore the fact that i know it will damage me. i try to bury my feelings and pretend that they arent there. generally, this works for a while, but then it all goes to shit. i walk and walk and walk until the pain becomes unbearable. i stop and then i can hear god screaming at me, trying to get my attention, calling me back to him.

eventually, i will find my place in him. i will reach some clarity that brings me back to myself, my real self.