it hurts me.

I have to vent. I am frustrated, and normally, I would not use blogger as an outlet to express this frustration, but I feel that at this time it is appropriate.

I am a human, that being said, it should be understandable and even expected that I will make mistakes. I am flawed, and far from perfect. I will be the first one to admit this about myself. In some cases, it may be acceptable, even good, for a friend to point out these flaws. However, I think that there are certain times when love is what is needed, not a harsh word.

Sometimes, I am a shitty friend. I am sorry, if you have suffered from my selfishness or my issues. I make mistakes, and I don't always handle things in the best way, but that is in no way a reflection of how much I care about you. I want to be a better friend, these are not just empty words, but sometimes there is just a certain amount that I am capable of. I am sorry if that is not enough for you. Maybe I am not worth having as a friend.

There are certain things about myself that I am far from happy about. I understand that you may not be happy about them either. I often make decisions that have negative reprocussions, that hurt me and sometimes you. For that I am sorry, but I cannot change what is already done. It may be that I am not the person that I once was, or that the decisions that I am making today may indicate that to you. Despite what things may look like on the outside. I am still me. Inside, I am still the same person. This is something that will not change about me.

I smoke. I have struggled with this problem since my freshman year in high school. I know that this is a frustration to you, but I am not capable of making this better right now. I like music a lot, and what I find in my music is not something that I can find in christian music. If that bothers you, I am sorry. I have not gone to church regularly since I first left OU in the spring of 2003, but there is an extensive list of legitimate reasons for that, and I do not feel that it is your place to tell me, every time that you think it appropriate, that I need to go back to church. Though that may be true, you telling me all the time is not going to get me there any faster.

It occurs to me that you are most likely going to be very displeased with me for having written all of this on my blog. In response to that I must say, it was very offensive to me that you criticized me through comment, which others read, rather than keeping it between us, and than, to further bother me, you put a guilt trip in your own blog posting. This is not what I need from you. I understand that friends challenge eachother, iron sharpens iron and all that, but I need more than constant criticism from you. I need love too. It is possible that I am overly sensitive, but I care a tremendous amount about your friendship, and there is great weight in your words. Though the challenges are good, I need the encouragement as well.