i go through phases

when i look at my life, it sometimes appears as a constant circle of recurring patterns. since i was... lets say 13... my life has been repeating itself constantly. though the circumstances and characters vary, the mental and emotional states are nearly identical. why... what is this about... does the rest of the world suffer from a similar problem?

why, you may wonder, am i thinking about this... i was thinking about certain things that i am incredibly bad at. case in point: calling people back. i am terrible at calling people back. the thing that frustrates me is that the issue isnt that i dont want to talk to the person, most times some of my best friend suffer at the end of this problem. these are the people that matter to me most, and so often i get so cought up in my own life that i never stop to remember or even think, 'hey, i really need to call this person.' days like today, i sit and ponder my issues, become frustrated with myself, and then resolve myself to address the problem. make it a point to be better about keeping in touch with certain individuals. for several weeks, or even a couple of months, i will do better. then, before i know it, it will occur to me that so and so has called me 4 times in the last week and i havent called them back. AHHH! i hate this about myself. i am sorry. i am a terrible friend at times, i know.

the phase thing is true in other areas too. smoking... major issue. i will quit for a month, 4 months, 2 days, however long, but always, it beats me. really, i beat me. my mind isnt strong enough or something... i dont know. but it frustrates me to no end. i decided last night that i need to stop smoking. so, i havent smoked all day, but i know, for a fact, that i am not going to be able to quit smoking if i am still working at alcon. it is my sanity. sad, i know.

why is this post such a ramble, i dont know, but i felt like talking. there was no one around, so i typed. all of you people out there who i have not been calling back, i am sorry. i love you. dont loose heart, someday, i will really do better.