Metamorphis

delirious?

Hello friend, it's been sometime,

since i've sat at your table, and drank your wine,

worldy lies, empty skies, but only you can satisfy

Can I be somebody?

Not what they want me to be,

just a pale reflection of what you want me to be

Sticks and stones, skin and bones,

my teflon coat is wearing thin,

worldly wise, synthesised,

i'm on the outside looking in

Can I be somebody?

Not what they want me to,

just a pale reflection of what you want me to be,

that's what i'm gonna be, can I be somebody?

Can I be somebody? I'm gonna be somebody

I know one day, I will be free,

my cynical clothing,will fall from me,

flying high in the blink of an eye,

mezzamorphisy

real.

all you people out there that i know and love, the ones that used to be such a huge part of my life, all of you that i never see anymore, yes, you know who you are, i miss you. i am not sure why it is hitting me in such an intense way right now, but i am feeling a deep longing for times past. not saying that i am living in the past or anything, i just miss being surrounded by you. you make me feel like a better person, and though i have those types of relationships here too, it is just not the same. it is as though my life is somehow incomplete without you.

maybe i am feeling all of this because school starts on tuesday. i feel like a scared little five year old who is about to go off to her first day of kindergarden. going to a new university is somehow cutting the ties that i still held in athens. ou was my home, part of me, for several years. now, i feel like i have to move on, seperate myself and move into this new place in my life. i am being overly emotional, i know, but changes are always hard for me. i feel like i am shutting a door to a place that i might not be ready to leave yet. sigh. moving off into darkness, feeling completely out of control, blind to the things before me. this is what is the hardest part.

sometimes, i forget to take care of myself. physically, i have always been bad at making sure that i am being healthy, eating right, exercising and all that. this is probably why i have been on antibiotics for months. i should look into being better about that. in this case though, i am referring to the abstract, the emotional. i suppose that i am more sensitive than most people. this may strike you as funny, because externally, i try to disguise this, but dont be fooled. my heart is very tender. being sensitive bothers me, i think that life would be so much easier if there was no need for love and affection, the tenderness of other people. i think that because of how sensitive i am, my emotions are very heightened. it is essential that i process and deal with my emotions as they come. if i dont take time to be with myself, to sit in the presence of god, process what is going on in my life, be still, it is a huge detrement to my health. without this, i fall apart. when i am doing poorly emotionally, i deteriorate physically. i make poor decisions and i become an altogether miserable version of myself.

being like this is often times excessively irritating to me. i wish that i could be that person that is cold and unresponsive, an emotional wall. i envy those people who can just go and go, never needing to stop and look at themselves. i wish that i could be okay, regardless of the decisions that i am making. i try to live this way anyhow, ignore the fact that i know it will damage me. i try to bury my feelings and pretend that they arent there. generally, this works for a while, but then it all goes to shit. i walk and walk and walk until the pain becomes unbearable. i stop and then i can hear god screaming at me, trying to get my attention, calling me back to him.

eventually, i will find my place in him. i will reach some clarity that brings me back to myself, my real self.

i have lost my love

i dont know what the problem is, but i just dont love blogging like i used to. i am sorry my friends. i would like to say that i will try to do better, but i am not sure that i will try at all. only time will tell.

a few brief messages:

TD: i will be in athens 1.21-1.23 for mae's show. i know that this is a stretch with the whole your roommate strongly dislikes me thing, but do you think that i could stay with you? i was thinking that i would just ask someone else, that i dont know, love, or appreciate nearly as much as you, but i dont like that plan. you are my favorite one there, so i want to stay with you. can we make it happen? no stress, i understand if it is a problem.

mae-mae: i told sarah that she isnt allowed to come to athens with me on the prementioned weekend, so i will be there friday eveningish-sunday morning. work for you? works for me.

i dont know what has happened to me. oh wait, maybe i do... oh never mind.

not really sure why, i feel the need to say sorry for my lack of blogging. i think that it is because i dont have instant access to the internet anymore. such deprivation. maybe it is because i feel like i am so busy i dont have time to breath. excuses, excuses... i know.

school starts for me again, one week from today. university of crakron here i come! now, i am excited to go back to school, ready to graduate and all that, but i have had the understandable reservations about going to the U of A. my dad has been telling me for months that i really need to stop being such a judgmental ass and give it a chance. fine dad. so for the last 2 or 3 weeks, i have been trying to "give it a chance." that time is over now. the last 2 days have thoroughly convince me that UA is completely unimpressive and the organizational system and the people that make it up are entirely void of all intelligence. heed my advice... stay far away! sadly, it is too late for me. i am in over my head, there is no going back now.

ansel adams has been promoted to the piano room wall. iPod arrived in the mail today. new chair for the living room. the new tv stand is beautiful. i still have a sinus infection... yes, we are going on 3 months here. i am having issues getting into this damn statistics class... they arent making it easy for me. my life is full of such bliss and then there are the hick-ups.

i am dying

it is certain that one day we will all die, therefore, we are all, at this point, dying. sadly, i think that my time is a little nearer than some. cause of death: sinus infection. that is right. i have sinusitis, and it is going to kill me. usually, i can handle this illness pretty well, though it is always miserable. issue arises when the thing never goes away. this time, my lovely sinus friend, decided to come for a long visit. it has been with me for 2 months, and survived into its second round of antibiotics. case in point, it will kill me, therefore i am dying. so relax, it isnt the cancer that is going to kill me, it is the sinusitis.

seriously, no, i am not dying. well, i am, but not from this sinus infection, and the cancer is still all gone, so dont fret. i just feel like poop. feeling like poop isnt fun, and feeling like poop for 2 months is even less fun. yes, my life is miserable.

a positive just to lighten up your day... i got curtain rods today! what fun, i really feel as though my life is not complete. now, back to my whining. i have a slow leak in every one of the tires on my jeep. explain to me, please, how this happens.

do any of you know about iPods? i need to get the music back onto my computer from the iPod because i inadvertently erased the entire library. is this possible? i cant figure it out. help me please.