big mess.

I fear that I have let things slip. My life has moved into a state of dysfunction that I fear I may not be able to recover from. Sadly, you have suffered from this. I am sorry. I realize that saying that most likely does absolutely nothing in moving towards fixing what I have done, but it is the about the only thing that I am capable of right now.

My house is a shit hole. Yes, I moved, and I am not exagerating, it really is a shit hole. We are squeezed into 3 little rooms, and let me tell you, there is too much stuff to fit into those rooms. I sleep on the porch, that is my room. I have no bed, it is a fouton. Yeah, you know that fouton, the one that Julie Lockwood discarded. I don't know that I can handle it all. I may have a nervous breakdown. I am looking for sympathy here, but I am sure that I am not deserving of it.

Things got so bad, both the Over the Rhine and The Killers concerts were skipped. The Zooma Tour was canceled, so there will be no Ben Harper, Trey, or Gomez on June 22nd. For that, I am sorry. Really, the only good news is that I got the new Coldplay cd a week before it will be released, and let me tell you, it is good. Real good. Oh, and we got our Coldplay tickets too. That is also some positive news.

The time has finally come. I am having surgery on my knee. Things have taken a turn for the worse, and it can no longer be avoided. Next week, I am going to visit Heather in Nashville, then I will be cut upon my return. It should be great fun.

I fear that you all hate me. I am afraid to call. Will you call me, so that I know if you still love me. Because, I don't know that I have the strength to call you on my own.

I am going to change the suspension on a volkswagon with my friend Jon (Jon is hot).

here i am.

Sorry, I got lost. Not really, I knew where I was all along. Things get crazy and I run away. I suppose that it is my way. Apparently, I am not good at dealing with problems.

You should see our computer desk. It is madness. I clean it off, and than it gets cluttered. The plethera of cd's is getting quite out of hand. I mean really, I had to move 2 stacks to get to the keyboard. If you think that I like music... you should see the one I live with. It is beyond comprehension. Rediculous.

I don't know exactly why I feel that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but I fear that it is coming, soon. I have been trying to keep it under control, but it seems to be getting away from me. I have started back at the factory, and this only makes it worse. I mangled my hand the first day back, and I have been trying to mend it since then. I am tired of the cuts, the blood, then constant standing, and having no one to talk to. My friends think that I am crazy. After I get out of work, they can't get me to shut up. I contend that I talk constantly because I have spent all day not talking at all. They don't seem to understand. No one wants to hear about work. Shouldn't friends care about friends? I understand that my work and the talk of it isn't exactly what one would call exciting, but it is a part of my life. I feel all bottled up inside when I can't talk about these things. It really rubs me the wrong way.

That is all.

again...

I suppose that it couldn't be avoided forever. I got another ticket. Yes, a speeding ticket. It had been since January or February of 2003 since my last one. It was long overdue. I was going 80 in a 55. The cop liked me though, so he wrote that I was going 70 in a 55, therefore preventing me from having to go to court. I think that if he had seen my previous speeding record he would not have been quite as gracious. Fortunately, the tickets rolled over when I turned 21. Now, all that I will have to do is keep the numbers down until I turn 25. Somehow, now, that seems incredibly unlikely, and I fear that I have relapsed back into my past speeding/ ticket problem.

It occured to me today that I have to move in 2 weeks. This is not good, and I might start freaking out. I wonder why there is such constant stress. It is not pleasant. Sigh. It is all too much for me.

TI-RED.

Say it just like that, TI-RED. That is what I am... tired. There is no other way to put it. It must be said just like that... excentuating the syllables. I don't know what I am tired of. Maybe it is just the routine. I need something new. Somehow, the routine becomes a sort of rut for me. Regardless of the excitement that it may hold, it becomes monotomous (I must be the worst speller on the planet!).

My last final is tomorrow at 2pm. I will be done for the summer. For that short time, the University of Akron will not be a part of my life. Such a beautiful thing it will be. Something to look forward to in the fall... DARS. That is right, U of A will start using DARS in the fall. My life will have a little piece of OU. Maybe it will make my experience at this school that I seem to hate a little bit better.

The new will start on Wednesday or Thursday. I will go back to the old men. It is not the best thing that I can envision, but it is comfortable. It is something that I know, somehow making me who I am. The old men love me, they take care of me. And in some strange way, working with them keeps me grounded. It keeps me remembering what is important. I suppose that is something that some people never have. So, I will take this good with the bad, and I will value my time there when it lasts. By the end of the summer, I will be TI-RED of it all, and I will be ready to go back to school. I wonder what I shall do when I join the real world, and I don't have these cycles of change to keep me trucking.

Mother's Day

My mother has left me on Mother's Day. I suppose that it is a good thing, she is doing what she wants to do on the day that is supposed to be for her enjoyment. I am hoping that she didn't leave simply because she doesn't like me and therefore, doesn't want to spend Mother's Day with me. She went on vacation, and left me here all alone to fend for myself on this day that so many families are together.

I have used this time for myself instead. I sit here listing to Guster and enjoying this beautiful day. Finally, it feels like spring. There are flowering trees and the sun is shining. Loving this weather, I think that I might like to move back to the country. The city noises leave me unsettled. Yesterday, I sat outside my parents house and realized how much I missed the peace. There is something about listing to the birds and hearing the wind blowing in the trees that is more calming than anything I know. It is like a little piece of what I get sitting next to a mountain. My soul has not felt so at peace in quite some time. There is a healing that takes place for me in the country. Maybe I am a farm girl after all. It just took some time away to realize what I had missed or not appreciated for all those years.

I need a mountain. It has been too long since I have seen one. The prospect of taking a road trip to the west stirs my insides. This is something that I must do. It somehow restores me to the child that my Father created me to be. It must be a rocky mountain. The mountains of Appelachia will not do anymore. They need to be the big ones.

Enjoy your day for the Mom's. I will squelch off of someone else's mom. Eat Outback, and play with puppies. All in all, it will be an okay day, considering that my mommy has left me all alone.